The Truth About Warriors
by Daydreamer897
Summary: A deeper look into the minds and secrets of the Warriors cats. You might be surprised what you find... Rated T for safety.
1. Firestar

**Note:**** This fanfiction is meant to be **_**sarcastic**_**. I love Warriors and am writing this purely for the heck of it, so please don't flame about me being a 'Warriors Hater' or a 'hieratic'.**

**If you would like to flame me for some other reason, feel free!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors.**

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Chapter 1:

Firestar: Because it would just be too incredibly awkward and non-cliché for him not to be first.

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**The Beginning**

Ah, Firestar, the character that started it all.

Firestar was the protagonist/loveable kittypet warrior-wanna-be/_so-totally-non-Mary-Sue _of the very first Warriors Arc. In the very first few chapters of the first book, we learn quite a bit about our quirky little hero; he's clever; he's energetic; he has incredibly weird prophetic dreams that of course mean _absolutely nothing about the late plotline_.

Oh yeah, and he's part of a great prophecy given to Bluestar in the prologue that states that he will save the clans from certain destruction and chaos that we won't find out about until the later books, but SSSHH! That's a complete secret and _completely not obvious_.

Anyway, Firestar (at this point known as Rusty) is invited to join ThunderClan because he displays great courage and potential for a kittypet and is _totally not a Mary-Sue._ Oh, and Bluestar thinks that he's destined to save the clan, that might be a small part of it.

When he enters the clan, he is given the apprentice name: Firepaw, you know, because describes the color of his pelt, not cliché in any possible way, and _in no way _even hints at the prophecy Bluestar got: FIRE alone will save our clan! Nope, definitely not.

Obvious plot is OBVIOUS!

In Firepaw's first few hours in ThunderClan, he not only befriends two other apprentices, defeats one of the clans most skilled warriors _even though he's hardly even an apprentice_, meets the main antagonist for the entire Arc (but really nobody could tell because Tigerclaw is so cute and innocent) and makes enemies with him, _and _falls madly in love with the clan medicine cat which (OMG) is _completely_ forbidden. Seriously people. Doesn't it take most characters a lifetime to accomplish all of those things? Firepaw did all this in like what? Not even a _day_? This further proves that Rusty/Firepaw isn't just any normal kittypet; he's a _super _kittypet.

The rest of the first book consists mostly of Firepaw working on his warrior training, fighting with Sandpaw, hating Tigerclaw, randomly ogling over Spottedleaf, Spottedleaf dying (anticlimactic much?), Oh yeah, and Firepaw deciding that, since ShadowClan has been taken over by an evil dictator that stole ThunderClan's kits it is _definitely _his responsibility as an _apprentice _to go and sort everything out on his own (wait, no, Graypaw was there, but he doesn't count cause he doesn't do much).

Firepaw was a legend, not just because of all of the heroic crap he did for attention, though. No, coincidentally, Firepaw is the only apprentice (besides Graypaw, but he doesn't count) to finish his apprenticeship in a single book. Whoa. It even took the Power of Three kits half a _series _to become warriors. This further proves the point the Firepaw wasn't your average apprentice; he was a _super _apprentice. And _totally not a Marry-Sue_.

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**The Plot**

The rest of Firepaw's adventures continue into his warriorship, except now, he's not Fire_paw _he's Fire_heart_. Fireheart. Yeah, cause that sure strikes fear into the very minds and souls of millions.

There's a difference in the next books in the series though; now that Fireheart has accomplished a _super _apprenticeship, he suddenly feels the need to help absolutely _everybody _with his new found awesomeness/ _definitely not Mary-Sueishness. _That's right; he decided to live up to his new found name and love _everybody_!

The following is a sneak preview into the mind of Fireheart view at own risk:

_What? WindClan has been run out of their home by ShadowClan? For the greater good I must endanger myself and my very best friend and go and find them and bring them home safely! Who cares if it is absolutely none of my business!_

_What? RiverClan is low on prey? By StarClan I must break the warrior code and endanger both my friend and myself and to help them! I know; I'll steal food from _my _clan, therefore endangering _our _safety and give it to RiverClan even though none of this is my business anyway! That will _totally _work out in my favor._

_What? ShadowClan is sick? By StarClan we must help them even if we kill ourselves in the process! _

Surprisingly, as much as Fireheart absolutely loved _everybody_ there was actually one person that he didn't like all that much: Tigerclaw.

Throughout the entire first half of the first arc, Fireheart's main goal in life (besides loving everybody of course) is to unmask to evil ways of ThunderClan's most respected warrior: Tigerclaw. Of course no one believes him because he is just some stupid ex-kittypet, and Tigerclaw _is _after all their idol. There's no competition really.

It is a little surprising though how Fireheart is the only one in the entire clan that notices the mass amounts of evil goings on that Tigerclaw is involved in. In a way, it's almost like a super power….OMG! Could it possibly be? Fireheart is a _SUPER _WARRIOR!

Anyway, halfway through the series, Fireheart finally proves that Tigerclaw is evil and saves his leader Bluestar from a half-hearted and honestly, pretty randomly timed murder attempt by Tigerclaw himself, thus earning himself yet another level of respect and perfection and further proving that he is _so totally not a Mary-Sue_!

After finding out that her beloved deputy Tigerclaw is a traitor, Bluestar proceeds to crawl into an emo corner and, in a state of obvious insanity, names (you guessed it) Fireheart as the new deputy of ThunderClan.

Oh yeah, because we definitely didn't see _that _coming.

The rest of the arc after that is basically Fireheart trying to stop the new leader of ShadowClan who turned out to none other than the exiled (gasp) TIGERSTAR!

In the end, Fireheart becomes (ZOMG) clan leader and saves all of the clan from certain destruction and chaos and Tigerstar dies a shameful, gruesome, and actually slightly entertaining, if not incredibly anticlimactic, death. Just like the prophecy in the very first freaking book said he would.

And this triumph so totally proves that Firepaw/heart/star is _so totally not a Mary-Sue_!

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**Clan Leader? Oh Starclan Help us all!**

After the tragic/anticlimactic/much anticipated death of Bluestar, Fireheart is by some cruel twist of fate made clan leader and given nine lives, because StarClan knows one lifetime of _him _isn't bad enough.

As if having exposed Tigerstar, saved the clan from a pack of dogs, survived a fire (ironically enough) and countless battles that exposed his heroics/so totally _not Mary-Sueishness_ , you'd think that this guy would be ready to settle down and lead his clan in a life of peace. Nope. Once again, Fire_star _finds that the clans are in peril when Tigerstar brings a new character into play: BLOODCLAN!

Despite having the most epic of all clan names, Firestar finds BloodClan is generally not very nice and wants to take over the forest. So, allying himself with his _absolutely bestest friends _WindClan, he leads a would-be epic battle to the death and dies. No seriously, he dies.

Unfortunately, he's a clan leader so he has eight more lives and the plot continues.

So, ultimately, Firestar defeats the great forces of evil, finds true love _again_ and gets everything in life that he ever wanted, proving that ( ZOMG) He's a _SUPER FREAKING LEADER TOO!_

Later in the series, we don't hear much about our _completely not Mary-Sue _ThunderClan leader, aside from his would-be epic adventure where he decides to bring back Skyclan (because of course it's his business to leave _his _clan to support another one) and has kits with (gasp) SANDSTORM!

That's right, in the later series, Firestar is basically just the do-gooder leader that loves _everybody _and has a giant clan thanks to all of the kittypets and rouges that he invites to join his ranks. Because _everybody _deserves to be a warrior, right?

The other clan leaders respect Firestar… but mostly settle for hating him at the same time because he is _so not a Mary-Sue_.

Basically, the plotline now doesn't care about him and neither do the rest of the _new _protagonists. Yes, the world of Warriors now seems to not care about our original hero and all of his wonderfully unique traits.

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**Firestar X **_**Who Now?**_

There are several 'controversial' pairings for the beloved Firestar during the first arc, but, where going to start with the one that began it all:

FIRESTAR X SPOTTEDLEAF!

This is one of the most popular pairings in the world of Warriors, but seriously, why is that? To fully understand Firestar's attraction to Thunderclan's dead-as-a-door-nail ex-medicine cat, first we must take a look at what, generally would have happened had Spottedleaf _not _died:

Basically, Fireheart and Spottedleaf would have hid their relationship from the rest of their clan for obvious reasons (FORBIDDEN LOVE) until of course Spottedleaf became pregnant and had LOTS AND LOTS OF FIREHEART'S KITS! After the discovery of their FORBIDDEN LOVE, both cats would be run out of the clan along with their LOTS AND LOTS OF KITS and be forced to live the life of rouges.

Meanwhile, Tigerclaw wouldn't be stopped and would have taken over the clans and ruled the forest with an iron fist, leaving only an elite group of rebels to stand against him and later fight an epic battle for control of the forest which in the long–run would have been a whole lot more awesome to read about!

But, unfortunately, Spottedleaf _did _die, and, instead of having Fireheart's LOTS AND LOTS OF KITS, she guided him from StarClan while he was on his do-gooder journey to help _everybody_. You know, because they were in love. For like, the moon and a half that they knew each other.

This pairing could never work, if not because of the fact the Spottedleaf _died _then simply for the fact that, while Spottedleaf was a fully grown Medicine cat, Fire_paw _was barely even more than a kit.

FIREPAW YOU PERVERT!

FIRESTAR X CINDERPELT

Seriously, how did _this _pairing come about?

It is theorized that there may have been a potential relationship occurring between Fireheart and his first apprentice, Cinderpaw. OK, in the long run, I guess that the pairing isn't too bad. Any chances what-so-ever for it to exist, though, were crushed at the exact same moment as Cinderpaw's leg, which forced her into the life of (you guessed it) a MEDICINE CAT.

In this potential pairing, Fireheart was not only in love with _another _medicine cat, but also a newly named apprentice, while he was a warrior.

FIREHEART YOU PERVERT!

FIRESTAR X SANDSTORM

Yeah, this is the pairing actually used in the series that no _one saw coming_. This is mostly because Sandstorm for the most part hated Firepaw/heart/star for a good part of the series until she suddenly came out and admitted her undying love for him in a completely spontaneous moment.

Actually, there aren't many problems with this pairing except for the fact that Firestar was also in love with a dead medicine cat that came to him in dreams and a much younger medicine cat apprentice.

FIRESTAR YOU PERVERT!

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**The Student Becomes the Teacher**

In the second book in the Warriors series, Fire and Ice, Fireheart gets a new challenge: becoming a mentor. In fact, he was one of the youngest warriors to ever become a mentor in the entire series, thus proving him a _SUPER MENTOR_!

His first apprentice was a lively young she-cat named Cinderpaw. Generally, he did an okay job not screwing up with her teachings until, of course, she got her leg crushed by a monster and could no longer be a warrior. Other than that, she turned out _great. _

Having failed to keep Cinderpaw safe, Fireheart became the mentor of Cloudpaw, his annoying atheist nephew that spontaneously joined the clan. Aside from the fact that the kid had multiple identity problems, a bad attitude, annoyed the heck out of everyone, shunned Starclan, and got captured by two-legs under his care, Fireheart did a great job with his training.

Fireheart's third and final apprentice was none other than Bramblepaw, the misunderstood and slightly emo son of none other than Fireheart's archenemy Tigerstar!

After finally working around his absolute hatred and mistrust of his new apprentice, Fireheart and Bramblepaw become good friends, and later work together to plot world domination in secret. Good work Firestar, good work!

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**Naming Ceremonies**

In the first Arc, the Warriors leaders stuck to pretty traditional suffixes for their warriors' names (-tail, -fur, -pelt, -claw, etc.) with the occasional abnormal name (Silver_stream_, Gray_stripe_, Sand_storm_.)

For the most part, in the New Prophecy Arc, Firestar stuck to these traditions with a few extra exceptions (Fern_cloud_, Rain_whisker_, Squirrel_flight_)

By the time Power of Three rolled around, Firestar had almost completely lost it, and waged war on all normal warrior names. It was during this time that we started to see names like: Lion_blaze, _Berry_nose, _Poppy_frost_, Honey_fern_, Holly_leaf, _Birch_fall_, and White_wing_.

It is not really known for sure why Firestar decided to use such odd names, if not to simply torture his own warriors. The most believable reason, perhaps, is that Firestar was so angry about _his_ horrible warrior name that he decided to take his spite out on his clan and make all hope of having a nice, _normal _warrior name desolate.

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**Conclusion**

Firestar is one of the most well known heroes of the Warriors series, and will forever remain in our memories. (No matter how freaking hard you try to forget him!) He fought many battles, and won pretty much all of them, and proved to the world that life sucks if you aren't him.

In all, there are three things we have learned about Firestar:

1. He is a _SUPER _apprentice/warrior/mentor/deputy/leader

2. He is a pervert

3. He is definitely _not a Mary-freaking-Sue_!

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**Flames are welcome as well as suggestions. I have a bunch of ideas for more of these, so tell me what you think.**


	2. Jayfeather

**Thanks go out to: ****ImagativeRainbowPeinguin****, ****Inkheart4evr****, ****Icethroat21****, ****Hiddenfilly****, ****allygirl56****, ****Brightstar's Promise****, and ****Emberfur ****for reviewing. **

**Warning: ****This chapter might contain minor spoilers.**

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Chapter 2:

Jayfeather; Because StarClan knows every good series has a handicapped emo guy to feel sorry for.

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**A Clan of Racists**

Yes, Jayfeather, no matter how old he was or what role he played to the plotline, he always seems to get marked off in the same way: EMO

So, why is he marked off this way? Is he really an emo, or is ThunderClan just plain racist? You be the judge! (The answer is emo.)

Jayfeather was first introduced as a kit into the Warriors series in the Power of Three Arc, and, let's face it, he hasn't changed much.

He started out as a tiny, cute, and cuddly little kit that won the hearts of the millions of Warriors fans out there the second he was introduced into the story. Yes, the moment the world read about him, everyone loved him…

And then, he just _had _to open his big mouth.

Oh well, he's still cute and cuddly, right?

After the very first syllable uttered by Jaykit, one thing was definitely clear about his personality; he was an emo. A cute and cuddly little emo, but an emo still.

We first encounter Jaykit as he embarks on an epic suicide mission with his two siblings, Hollykit and Lionkit, to drive foxes out of ThunderClan's territory, which of course was a _genius _idea that could never possibly back fire in any way what so ever.

While his siblings were safely recovered by a warrior patrol before they got eaten by foxes, Jaykit instead ran for his life and ended up falling off of the high side of the gorge.

Oh Jaykit, you silly little klutz.

After surviving a giant fall that probably would have killed a less important character, it is revealed that Jaykit is not only emo; he is also blind as well, a double blow for his social status.

Everyone in the clan seems to believe that Jaykit will never be a warrior, but, being the determined, stubborn little emo that he is, Jaykit plays the racist card until Firestar eventually agrees to let him be a warrior apprentice instead of a medicine cat.

However, when Jaypaw is named apprentice, his is both shocked and enraged when he finds out that his mentor will be Brightheart. He gets butthurt and tries playing the racist card again, but Firestar simply deals with it by not caring, leaving Jaypaw to crawl in his emo corner and deal with his own angst.

The first part of the book pretty much is nothing but Jaypaw being emo about how everyone treats him like, like, LIKE SOME FREAKING DISABLED PERSON! The audacity…

Eventually, after epicly failing in his very first battle, Jaypaw decides that, maybe, just maybe, he wasn't really meant to be a warrior. May be he should pursue life as… as a MEDICINE CAT!

So, even though he knew that it was the only choice, and even though every single other character told him from the very beginning, Jaypaw decides to bring in a second opinion and sneaks out of camp one night, breaks into the sacred StarClan meeting place, and has a little chat with Starclan, even though it was completely against _duh rulez, _which ended up proving that he was indeed meant to be a medicine cat (but we _totally didn't see that_ _coming_) and that aside from being an emo, Jaypaw is also a rebel.

So, Jaypaw finally swallows his pride (careful kid, don't choke) and agrees to become a medicine cat apprentice.

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**Of Superpowers and Ambitions**

Jaypaw for the most part doesn't change a whole bunch during the series; he's constantly emo, likes playing the racist card, but somewhere in between the end of the first book and the beginning of the second book he also adopted the role of ambitious prophesized chosen one (AKA: conniving little sneak.)

Oh, yeah, and he develops SUPER POWERS! Wow, I guess it does pay to be related to the _SUPER_ LEADER of all time Firestar.

Yes, it turns out that Jaypaw can read minds, but only sort of because he only picks up what other cats are feeling, so I guess he reads _emotions_. But wait, he can read memories too? And occasional thoughts? So that means that he reads memories _and _feelings _and _thoughts, so wouldn't that be the same thing as reading minds?

…Wait, what?

Also, Jaypaw has the ability to walk in other cats' dreams, which isn't creepy at all! Great, so not only can this kid stalk little children during the day, he can haunt them in their nightmares too.

As if all of that isn't enough for you, there's also the fact that he gets 'prophetic dreams' from Starclan, The Tribe of Endless Hunting, and the _ancestors _of the Tribe of Endless Hunting.

Wow, no wonder Firestar hates this kid; he surpasses the Thunderclan leader even on _that _level. Even if Jaypaw wasn't given a prophecy himself, he could always just intrude on some other important cat's prophesy induced dream, making him doubly awesome and more than slightly scary.

Seriously, this kid has more powers than even the great _non-Mary-Sue _Firestar, and more than enough abilities for him _and _his siblings within the _first two freaking books_.

At the very end of the first book, Jaypaw finds out that he and his siblings are part of an epic prophecy that says that they are even more powerful than Starclan. Now, instead of being intrigued, or even slightly nervous about this prospect, Jaypaw the emo blind guy embraces it as a way to feed his new found lust for endless power and decides to shun StarClan because he's so much better than them.

Basically, the rest of the series for Jaypaw is nothing but him spying on his clanmates, the other clans, the Tribe of Rushing Water, the Tribe of Endless Hunting, the Mysterious Ancient Cats that Have No Particular Name, and of course Starclan.

JAYPAW YOU STALKER!

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**Long Shadows Is Long**

The fifth book in the Power of Three arc is really sort of a milestone for Jaypaw spiritually. In this book, Jaypaw's non-racist head swells to dangerously high levels when StarClan actually asks him for help in beating the now atheist ShadowClan back into submission- um, I mean, getting ShadowClan to follow their wise, benevolent ancestors again.

OH STARCLAN, WHY! WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHYYYYYYYYYYY?

So Jaypaw solves all of their problems by sending Blackstar (a fellow non-racist) a fake sign from StarClan which turns into a _real _sign from StarClan.

So, why didn't StarClan just send a real sign in the first place instead of endangering the world further by swelling Jaypaw's already giant ego? …Silly little knave, what would be the fun in that?

Later on in the book, Jaypaw takes an epic (and completely random and unexplained) journey through time and finds out that many moons ago he was one of the Mysterious Ancient Cats that Have No Particular Name, and is responsible for single handedly convincing the Random Nameless cats to follow their ancestors -even though he doesn't care about his at all (HYPOCRASY) - and leave their home so that they can go live in the mountains and become the Tribe of Rushing Water, but SSHHH! It's a secret!

All of this only fed his growing ego more until we were all certain that it couldn't grow any larger…

WRONG!

In the _same _book, Jaypaw saves the clan from a deadly outbreak of Greencough by stalking fellow medicine cat apprentice Kestrelpaw in his dreams and learning that they could simply steal catmint from WindClan instead of finding their own and earned his Medicine cat name. And _that_ is when Jaypaw reached his ego breaking point and actually managed to express mild emotions afterward as a result. Oh StarClan, ThunderClan is a terrifying place…

_After all of that_, you'd think that there would be little more ego boosting, head exploding knowledge that you could fit into a single book, right?

WRONG!

Toward the end of the book, on the edge of a high gorge that was ablaze with a raging inferno (no, seriously, that was the actual setting) Squirrelflight, in order to save Jayfeather and his siblings, reveals to Ashfur a shocking secret to prevent him from killing them all that _no one ever saw coming_, that will not be mentioned do to major spoilers…

OMG SQUIRRELFLIGHT AND BRAMBLECLAW ARENT THEIR PARENTS! SQUIRRELFLIGHT LIED TO SAVE THEIR REAL MOTHER FROM HARSH JUDGEMENT AND SPITE AND NOW WE HAVE _ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO IT IS_!

….*Ahem*

Anyway, it is still unknown why Jayfeather just didn't jump off the gorge to escape certain death. What, he can survive the fall as a small defenseless kit but not as a big strong medicine cat? Really!

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**Love at First Touch**

In his many adventures, Jaypaw/feather encountered many challenges and perils that would put many other protagonists/antagonists-at-heart to shame. He saved lives, he destroyed lives, and he uncovered secrets that changed lives, but, halfway through the arc, he encountered something that even threw the kick-butt emo blind guy of the epic prophecy off balance.

You guessed it: true love!

Everyone knows that love is strictly forbidden for medicine cats (though Starclan knows why cause it's never _ever _written in the warrior code) but, hey, why not right? That never stopped Yellowfang, Leafpool or Spottedleaf.

Jayfeather thought that love would never be for him, and then he found the love of his life, the only one that could ever truly love him back. No, Jayfeather made it clear early on that there was one that he could never live without…

JAYFEATHER X STICK ALL THE WAY!

Ever since Jayfeather found Stick in Dark River, everyone could tell that it was true love. Let's face it, with a personality like his, Stick is probably the only one that could tolerate being around him for extended periods of time (though whether its patience or simple lack of eardrums is debatable.)

Stick also shares many of the same traits a Jayfeather, proving that they are truly meant to be forever. Stick is tied to the Mysterious Ancient Cats that Have No Particular Name, just like Jayfeather. And, Stick is blind too! (Blind, lacking eye retinas, what's the difference?) But, probably the most appealing similarity that Jayfeather found he and Stick share is, with all of the scratch marks left by the ancient cat, Rock, Stick was indeed, almost as emo as Jayfeather himself!

Truly, in the entire warriors series there is no truer love than Jayfeather and his beloved Stick. Jayfeather can't live without Stick, plain and simple.

And, what is that? How does Stick feel about this relationship? Does Stick love Jayfeather back?

Answer: Well, Stick doesn't have vocal cords, so who cares?

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****An Obituary for the Fallen (BEWARE YE WHO ENTER HERE, FOR SPOILERS BE AHEAD)**

RIP Stick, cruelly struck down by the evil, twisted Rock…

…What do you mean it wasn't freaking Rock that killed stick! Of course _Jayfeather _would never _willingly _kill his only love! It was totally Rock! In a fit of jealous rage, he possessed Jayfeather and murdered Stick! Oh cruel fate, you think you're so clever, but I know the truth…

What? Angry that the Author overlords murdered the only pairing I mildly liked? Psssh, of course not!

And come on, if _this _part in Fading Echoes when they're throwing the shattered remains of Stick into the lake doesn't confirm it, WHAT DOES, I ASK YOU!

_The following is an excerpt from __Fading Echoes__, page 23. I _DON'T _own this. _

_As the last part of the stick struck the waves, Dovepaw heard the agonized yowl of a cat in pain echoing through the trees. … ..._

_Dovepaw frowned. She cast her senses farther, ears pricked, listening, trying to tell which cat had howled in agony. A scent drifted to her on the damp breeze, tinged with the echo of pain. _

Jayfeather!

_She__could hear his rough tongue scraping the fur on his flank. His movements were urgent, as though he was trying to find the source of the injury. _

_Fear brushed Dovepaw's pelt. When Jayfeather let out that terrible wail, it had sounded as if someone had sank a claw into his heart. _

PROOF! YOU CAN'T TELL ME THIS ISN'T FREAKING PROOF OF JAYXSTICK!

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**Livin' in Duh Hood**

Jayfeather has a complicatedsort of love/hate (but mostly hate; lots and lots of hate) relationship with his clanmates.

His relationship with his clan leader, Firestar, is a deep and troubled/painstaking. Unfortunately for the ThunderClan leader, Firestar is usually on the receiving end of the pain…

Most likely, the reason why the two of them aren't close is because Jayfeather is always pulling his racist card to influence his leader and Firestar is extremely jealous because, not only does Jayfeather get his first love choice, he also has much cooler powers than the ability of _not being a complete Mary-Sue_.

His relationship with his 'parents' Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw is begrudgingly close, though more because Squirrelflight is excessively clingy because she doesn't want them to know that she isn't really their mother, and it's sort of hard to ignore your 'father' when he's the clan deputy and there for owns your soul.

Jayfeather seems to hate all clan warriors with a passion, simply because they got to achieve the life that he always wanted. He especially hates Cinderheart out of all of the warriors ever since his attempt at drowning her failed miserably when she actually learned to swim in his half-baked plan. Drat! So close…

He doesn't have much against apprentices because they are simply naïve little tools used to do the warriors' bidding and ultimately hold no higher purpose in his planned new world order.

Elders are the bane of Jayfeather's entire life so he has decided to eradicate them during the new world order.

He hates all kits simply because they annoy him and, and, like apprentices, hold no higher purpose in his new world order except cheap entertainment. Why Jayfeather, do I detect a sick mind at work here?

Pretty much the only cats that he can tolerate are his two siblings (though Hollyleaf pushes his sanity to the limit and offers little help in achieving his new world order) and his 'mentor' Leafpool, who clings so close to him that it would be impossible to remain sane if he didn't except her presence.

Basically the only cats he likes are those that can help him in his quest for a new world order.

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**Jayfeather, I AM the Plot Twist…**

Definitely the most the most dramatic book in the entire Warriors series is the final book in the Power of Three: Sunrise.

In this book, we actually learn something new about Jayfeather; how he deals with stress.

This book has so many plot twists that lesser characters would have (and did) die anticlimactically just to escape the sheer stress of it all. The Power of Three kits learn a shocking secret about one of their own, find out their secret heiratage, and learn something so shocking that NO ONE EVER SAW IT COMING! (No, serious, this is so incredibly random that no one could have possibly seen it.)

So, how does Jayfeather deal with all of these stressful plot twists? Simple, he doesn't care about them because none of it will matter anyway in his new world order.

But, just because we can and have nothing better to do, let's take a look at some of these scenarios, shall we?

Scenario Number One:

Jayfeather discovers that his mentor is hiding something from him. Does he

A) Cry

B) Play the racist card (always a good option)

C) Ask her about it

D) Kidnap her in an elaborate scheme involving a three-step plan and theme music

E) Not care, but investigates anyway just in case it holds some key part to his new world order

Well, that's a hard one, and, to prevent spoilers, I'm going to have to let you decide that for yourself. (The answer is E)

Scenario Number Two:

Jayfeather finds out that his life is a lie; his parents aren't who they say they are, and his very existence breaks the warrior code. Does he

A) Cry

B) Not care, because the warrior code holds absolutely no purpose in his new world order

C) Play the racist card

D) Go to Starbucks to drown his new found angst in coffee goodness

E) Destroy the world (always a good option)

(The answer is B)

Scenario Number Four:

One of Jayfeather's siblings dies very anticlimactically (SHHH! It's a secret!) after exposing their heiratage to everyone at the next gathering and then attempting to murder their mother. Does he

A) Cry tears of joy, and laugh uncontrollably because the entire thing is so incredibly unexpected that it's actually a _good plot twist_.

B) Play the racist card

C) Not take the time to morn for his lost sibling (don't worry , I won't tell you who is was because that would be SPOILERS) because he's too busy rethinking the entire Power of _Three_ prophecy and his new world order

D) Not care; nobody liked Hollyleaf anyway

E) All of the above

In case you're wondering, THE ANSWER IS E.

So, as all of you know, the _big secret _about the Power of 'Three' kit's heiratage is _finally _revealed in this book, but will not be mentioned do to _major_ spoilers.

OMG LEAFPOOL AND CROWFEATHER HAD BABIES!

*Ahem*

But what role does Jayfeather play in this discovery? Well, surprisingly, Jayfeather does almost _absolutely nothing_. You know, besides figure out that his mentor is really his mother by undergoing an in depth investigation into the past and then receiving a sign from Starclan telling him exactly who his father is. Other than that though, he did zip, nada, NOTHING!

(Oh yeah, did anyone notice that I didn't put a Scenario Number Three?)

* * *

**The New World Order**

Jayfeather isn't just some random blind protagonist/antagonist-at-heart; don't forget he's also a stalker, and emo, and a non-racist.

So, what is it about Jayfeather that everyone loves so much? It certainly isn't his winning personality or his love for all things emo.

No, the element of Jayfeather's life that has definitely captured the hearts of millions and left us all wanting more is (you guessed it) the overwhelming, heart breaking FORBIDDEN LOVE factor that has every fangirl in the entire freaking world practically begging for more.

JAYFEATHER X STICK!

Good luck Jayfeather, we look forward to witnessing the pain and fire of a thousand evils that shall be unleashed once you accomplish you new world order.

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**Hope you enjoyed that one as much as the first. I'll try to get these up as fast as I can since you guys seem to like them so much. **

**Next up will be Lionblaze and then Hollyleaf, just so that I can get the Power of Three out of the way. After that, I'm taking suggestions, so tell me if there's any cat in particular that you want to hear about. **


	3. Lionblaze

**WARNING: this chapter is not for the weak-of-heart! Seriously! You have been warned…**

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Chapter 3:

Lionblaze; because when life gives you lemons… BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!

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**From Stereotype to Awesome**

In the Power of Three Arc, there is only one cat in all of the clans that (due to the surprising lack of a main antagonist)strikes fear into the hearts and souls of warrior cats and readers alike: LIONBLAZE

After being introduced as the sort of ringleader/'genius' mastermind behind the epic suicide mission that he and his two siblings embarked on in The Sight, readers everywhere struggled to place young Lionkit's seemingly unoriginal personality, and eventually got so fed up as the book progressed that we simply marked him off as not having one at all.

Surprisingly, while his siblings had definite traits and characteristics that were unique and were easily placed within the first few chapters, it was progressively hard to place young Lionkit, simply because he had absolutely nothing going for him. He lacked his grandfather's do-gooder/ _so totally not Mary-Sue _personality, and didn't have his 'father's ' ambitions or his mother's spirit or stubbornness. He didn't have his brother's emo or non-racistness (thank StarClan) or his sister's… anything (proof that there _is _a StarClan.)

Basically, Lionkit/paw is just there in the first book simply to take up space and make sure that there are enough parts for the entire Power of Three prophecy.

By the time the second book came about, we were all pretty sure that Lionpaw was just your stereotypical character that had all of the same goals, dreams, traits, and characteristics as every single other apprentice in the series and was simply there to take up space.

And then, there was Dark River.

Surprisingly to the rest of the world, the second installment of the Power of Three arc seemed to be mostly centered around (you guessed it) Lionpaw. Except now, he had a personality and definite goals and traits that made him more unique and likeable. Now, instead of simply being an enthusiastic young apprentice determined to help his clan no matter what, Lionpaw was a confused, prepubescent, and _ambitious_ apprentice determined to be the best warrior on the face of the planet.

Of course _all _apprentices claim that they're going to be the best warriors ever, and dream of being legends, and at first we wrote this off as normal apprentice stereotype. But in the next two books, we learn that he is actually completely _serious _about wanting to be the best of the best, no matter what it takes. Hmmm, remind you of any one? (*cough* Tigerstar *cough*)

His obsession ends up leading him to taking fighting lessons from his 'other grandfather' Tigerstar and his 'uncle' Hawkfrost in his dreams. No, seriously, that's actually what he dreams about at night. That's right, screw _normal _dreams that offer peace and rest from a hard day of battle training! Lionpaw trains during the day _and _in his sleep, proving him to be the most dedicated and determined apprentice IN THE WORLD!

Darn you normal apprentices, why can't you be as dedicated as Lionpaw? You don't see _him _complaining about something as trivial as battle wounds or utter exhaustion!

So, anyway, Lionblaze learns all about fighting from the best of the best, because instead of one mentor, he has _three_. So what if two of them are, oh, you know, _completely EVIL_. Lionpaw isn't about to let something as trivial as _that _stand in the way of the opportunity of a lifetime.

Lionpaw may have been the model apprentice, and turned out to be the greatest warrior in Thunderclan, just like he knew he would. Unfortunately, even though he made many outstanding achievements in his apprenticeship, it still took him half a series to become a warrior, so we can't name him a _Super_ apprentice.

Instead, we'll just settle with calling him a _BEASTLY APPRENTICE!_

_

* * *

_

**Hate Disguised as Love**

In the second book, during the discovery of Lionpaw's new found personality, we learn that Lionpaw has a shocking secret:

FORBIDDEN LOVE!

That's right, Lionpaw, who is facing major emotional overload now that he actually _has_ feelings, seems to have fallen in love with the WindClan apprentice Heatherpaw.

OMG! LION X HEATHER!

The pairing became probably the most popular pairing in all of Warriors fandom (except Jay X Stick of course, you can't get any better than that) after the release of Dark River.

The entire relationship all started when Lionpaw and Heatherpaw decide to become _best friends _even though the two know that they're from different clans, but of course that could _never ever EXPLODE IN THEIR NAÏVE LITTLE FACES! _

Why, Erin Hunter, do I sense a heart-wrenching plot twist about to take place here?

So, the two become friends, and decide that, since both are suddenly showing random signs of extreme impatience and the sudden need to be with each other every second of every day (oh you crazy prepubescent kids) that, instead of waiting to meet at the gatherings and actually _following_ the Warrior Code, it would be a whole lot better and more convenient for a romantic FORBIDDEN LOVE story if instead they met every single night in secret. You know, because in no way possible is that impractical at all. There's just no arguing with that sort of logic!

So, eventually, the two develop feelings for each other (which we _totally _never saw coming) and eventually get to the point where Lionpaw suddenly realizes that he is in _LOVE!_

Yes folks, even though we saw it coming since the beginning of the second book, it took young Lionpaw almost till the end of Dark River to realize that he was involved in yet another sick and surprisingly convenient scenario of FORBIDDEN LOVE (yes, I _will _always put that in all caps!) thus proving that foresight is _not _one of Lionpaw's new found characteristics.

Much to the dismay of every FORBIDDEN LOVE crazed fangirl on the face of the earth and otherwise Lion X Heather supporter, toward the end of the book, the relationship takes a dark turn for our 'star-crossed?' lovers. Lionpaw realizes, shortly after recognizing his feelings for Heatherpaw that his relationship with her is taking is attention away from his ultimate ambition of being the greatest warrior of all time and existence and later role in his brother's new world order. So, Lionpaw decided to do what all great men of great roles of power do when faced with a difficult level of emotional stress and indecision.

He cut his losses and dumped her before things got even more complicated and stressful.

Nice job Lionpaw, I'm sure that the world will view you as a better character for your _oh so subtle and considerate _mannerism of handling this terribly difficult situation.

But, all you fangirls of the world do not fret! I am more than certain that, if fate (or the Erin Hunters, which ever holds more power in the universe) permits, we shall all see a new and improved Lion X Heather in the new fourth arc!(Because Starclan knows _three _arcs isn't enough to wrap up a plotline.)

So, what exactly is wrong with this pairing? It certainly has enough heart-break, tension, and FORBIDDEN LOVE to satisfy _any _romance fan (yes, I'm looking at _you _crazy fangirls of the internet.)

Well, out of all the Warrior pairings out there (and believe me, there are _thousands_!) Lion X Heather actually isn't one of the worst…but it certainly isn't one of the best either.

Let's take a step back for a second and take a look at the bigger picture that this relationship gives.

Basically, it's about a boy kitty and a girl kitty who meet and start out as friends, become really, _really _close friends, and then fall in love. But their love can never be (FORBIDDEN LOVE) because they're from enemy clans and it's against the Warrior Code. Where could we have possibly heard similar scenarios from before? (Gray X Silver, Crow X Feather, Blue X Oak, Crow X Leaf, etc)

But, instead of having a happily ever after where the two learn to work past their differences and conflicts…they don't!

Now, if we take a closer look at the characters themselves, again, they aren't too terribly unoriginal and or disturbing when used in this pairing, except for one minor detail…

In the book Eclipse, it is revealed that Lionpaw, being his now completely single self, has a dark secret about his feelings for Heatherpaw.

Lionpaw, it appears is attracted to Heatherpaw based off of two main things: her personality and disposition… and her BLOOD!

It is revealed in Eclipse that Lionpaw's interests have changed a little since he first started displaying them in Dark River. It is during this book, in the middle of an epic battle that will determine the fate of ThunderClan that will later lead to many plot twists and cliff hangers (oh Erin Hunter, you certainly know how to create a dramatic effect when you want one) that Lionpaw discovers his second greatest love in life:

THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT!

Why isn't there a pairing name for _that _I wonder…

**(BEWARE YE WHO ENTER HERE FOR THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD)

Actually, the pairing now appears to be officially dead, since Erin Hunter is apparently leaning towards Cinder X Lion, though both of them are still naïve and blissfully unaware of their impending doom at this point…

* * *

**A River of Darkness!**

Lionpaw's role starts in Dark River; therefore, so shall we.

I'm going to be quick in my explanation of this book just because frankly it is for the best and I know that I can't make this thing too long because, in all honesty I have the attention span of a fruit fly and I know that most of you do too.

In a nut shell, Dark River is about how Heatherpaw and Lionpaw discovered a _secret_ underground system of complex tunnels that run beneath the clan territories that, even though the clans had been there for several seasons, _ ABSOLUTEY NO ONE KNEW ABOUT_!

So the two decide "Hey, instead of, oh, I don't know, telling our clan leaders about this awesome tunnel system that could be of some great use or overall importance to our clans, let's play and meet in secret here in an act of friendship that could never possibly cause strife or develop to a romantic level!"

Things go perfectly until a bunch of WindClan kits found the tunnels, got lost, and then caused clan wide panic that forced Lionpaw, Hollypaw, Jaypaw, Breezepaw, and Heatherpaw to risk their lives to rescue them and almost drown in the process which causes unheard of amounts of stress that later lead to Jaypaw being terrified of water and all three kits traumatized for life.

And all of this because Heatherpaw insisted on meeting in the tunnels that _ABSOLUTELY NO ONE KNEW ABOUT_.

On second thought is it really all that surprising why Lion X Heather didn't work out?

* * *

**Of Fails and Plotlines **

In the beginning of the arc, Lionpaw doesn't really play much of a role in the overall plotline except for his almost relationship with Heatherpaw and nighttime battle training sessions with Tigerstar and Hawkfrost. In fact, it isn't even until the third book that we learn what his power is. That's right, while it only took his smaller, blind brother one book to develop _several _superpowers, it took Lionpaw three books to figure out that he had _one_.

Oh well, you can't always have everything…

In the early plotline, we learn very quickly that Lionpaw has the ability to withstand entire nights of harsh battle training overload from his demented and slightly evil ex-relatives and still be able to be perfectly alert and wakeful during the day so that he can endure even _more _training, thus proving that Lionpaw is so awesome that he doesn't _need _to sleep, and his excuse to Heatherpaw about not being able to concentrate during the day because he was up all night with her was nothing more than a half-hearted attempt at finding a way out of a difficult situation without having to be frowned upon by society. Congratulations Lionpaw, your uncanny tactics and mannerisms are now equivalent of that of any great politician of the world. I'm sure that your family is oh so proud.

Unfortunately, while the ability to not sleep is both amazing and unnatural on many levels, it technically not a super power, which meant that Lionpaw was both powerless and ignorant since he still had yet to find out that he was part of a great prophecy that meant that he was more powerful that StarClan and therefore still living under his brothers emo and domineering shadow.

After the release of Dark River, Lionpaw left the world with some important, unanswered questions and internal dilemmas that made readers wand to rip all of their hair out and then shave their eyebrows in pure _frustration and heart break. _

The truth is people were still very much unsure of how to place dear Lionpaw. He certainly couldn't be ignored or marked of as a stereotypical character after his _heart-wrenching _non-affair with Heatherpaw during his prepubescent period, and he was part of the _great prophecy _for Starclan's sake! But, though Lionpaw _did _show _some _originality now, it was still almost impossible to place what his part was in the overall plotline and why he was _special _enough to be included in the prophecy, because it definitely wasn't for his political tactics.

It wasn't until Outcast, that the world found a new respect for Lionpaw, and surprisingly, not just for the fact that he had found his superpower after all this time. No, the world more respects andslightly fears Lionpaw because his new found ability was the ability to SLAUGHTER ALL WHO STOOD IN HIS PATH WITH EPIC MAD SKILLS OF FURY AND AWESOMENESS!

*Ahem*

It was in a would-be-epic battle to defend the Tribe of Rushing Water from a troop of unskilled rogues (because Starclan knows that it's the _clan _cats' job to fight battles for the _tribe _cats even though they're nothing but ungrateful little _-insert curse word of your choice here!-_s) that Lionpaw single handedly (does that expression work for cats?) defeated the rogues and came out without a single scratch and completely covered in the blood of his enemies, scaring the _–insert word of choice-_ out of his sister Hollypaw.

As Lionpaw basked in his new found awesomeness, the world began to regard him as more of an individual than a clever plot devise and accepted him as the kick-butt sadist that he was becoming. Thankfully, the plotline begins to pick up for Lionpaw/blaze after this major turning point, and he starts playing more of an overall role in things. Now, instead of just simply being there, he actually does stuff too!

I think that it's safe to say that Lionblaze ended up much more awesome than we could have predicted from his failful kithood.

However, in the epic never-ending battle that is Eclipse Lionblaze discovers that his new powers aren't just for fun games, because his battle lust has become a constant torment, and he has to resort to trying to kill his already dead former relatives/_secret mentors_ and attempting to murder Ashfur before Hollyleaf can beat him to it, which (very much unfortunately) is foiled by none other than Fire-freaking-star!

Don't worry Lionblaze, much revenge and laughter will be had at the end of the arc!

Also in Eclipse we find out that Erin Hunter isn't ready to give up on Lion X Heather just yet (STARCLAN WHY!) Seeing how the pairing is so popular, and yet was totally desecrated in Dark River when Heatherpaw decided that she hated Lionpaw with the burning power of a thousand suns, the Erin Hunters decided that to resurrect the relationship and make it the most successful pairing in Warriors history, they would try and take a page out of famous 'romance' author Stephenie Meyers books. Literally.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOO! WHY STARCLAN WHY!

As a result, along with his constant blood and battle lust, it's not just the blood of his enemies that Lionblaze is after. Nope, now he's pulled an Edward and is now completely obsessed with _Heathertail_'s blood, bringing their non-relationship to a new level of ultimate failure. Now instead of dreaming about Tigerstar and Hawkfrost, he dreams about blood and death.

Well folks, I have a feeling that I know what the majority of your faces look like right about now:

0.o

You would think that a character this messed up and obsessed with chaos and destruction would show some reaction to the revelation that his life was a lie and his sister was dead. You might think, but you would be wrong, because, surprisingly enough, Lionblaze seems to care about the lies, chaos and strife of the twisting yet somehow mostly predictable plotline that is the Warriors series _even less than Jayfeather_!

Whoa. Now that takes talent!

In fact, he isn't even that concerned about the prophecy, just as long as it involves the death of millions and endless power in his frighteningly capable paws.

Well, I do believe that I can summarize Lionblaze in five words:

LIONBLAZE YOU SADISCITC POLITICIAN WANNABE!

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**As I said before: Flames welcome, and of course so are any other forms of reviewing. **

**Up next: Hollyleaf!**


	4. Hollyleaf

**WARNING****: Unlike the characters I have done up to this point, I actually **_**DO**_** hate Hollyleaf with the burning passion and fire of a thousand suns! Therefore this chapter may or may not be more intense and brutal than the last three and definitely the most fun to write about :D! You have been warned…**

**Alrightly then, this should be fun…**

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Chapter 4:

Hollyleaf; Because it's in accordance with the prophecy (sort of…)

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**Nazis or Rules Freak? You be the Judge!**

Hollyleaf: the 'brains' of the Power of Three arc. With that said, is it a wonder that all of them are so twisted?

From the very first chapter in the very first book in the Power of Three arc, we all can pretty much establish one very key thing about Hollykit/paw/leaf's personality which makes her individual in some way: she's a stickler for rules.

Okay, that alone can be accepted socially; there's always one in every crowd and it was only a matter of time before one showed up in the Warriors series. However, as the book progresses, it is increasingly emphasized that Hollypaw really, _really_ loves the warrior code.

Let me emphasize on that more just in case you didn't catch that. She really, _really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really_ _LOVES THE WARRIOR FREAKING CODE!_

There, now that that's cleared up, there actually isn't a whole lot more that you need to know about Hollyleaf. Basically, the entire arc is nothing but her loving the freaking _warrior code _to death and enforcing all cats around her to obey it and basically encroaching on any other beliefs and attempting to eradicate all non believers.

Hmmm… does this remind you of anyone? (*cough* ADOLF *cough*FREAKING *cough* HITLER *cough*)

Out of all of the Power of 'Three' kits, Hollyleaf was actually the only one that I am still dead set convinced must be related to Tigerstar in some way. Seriously! Even compared to _Lionblaze _and _Jayfeather_ she's probably the most evil and like Tigerstar, there is no freaking way that you can tell me that she isn't related to _any _of the super 'villains' of the warriors world! She's practically a villain herself! For now, I take comfort in the theory (confirmed, I think…) that Scourge and Firestar are really related (though how you end up with a do-gooder, totally _not Mary-Sue _and an awesomely epic kick-butt antagonist like Scourge being related in anyway besides rivalry is a mystery) though frankly, Hollyleaf just isn't _awesome _enough to be related to Scourge.

Don't believe me about Hollyleaf being the number one worst character in the entire Warriors series? Well, everyone _is _entitled to their own opinions…it's just that mine is better.

Besides, we still have a lot of ground to cover in which any thoughts you had about Hollyleaf being a 'good character' shall be driven from your head or my name isn't Orville Redenbacher! (Wait…What?)

* * *

**The Code is Law**

Alright, see those four words written above in special bold lettering? Read them, reread them, and you might as well burn them into your memory permanently because, believe it or not there actually _is _a reason that I took all of two seconds out of my life to dedicate and entire subheading to them.

Throughout the entire Power of Three arc, I don't actually think (and frankly I'm too lazy to look it up, and I know most of you won't bother unless you're obsessive Hollyleaf/warrior code fanatics –in which case you will be hunted down and eradicated during Jayfeather's new world order) that Hollyleaf actually said these words out loud once. So why did I post it up there for the world to see. I bet you can guess the answer, but just for you slow ones out there, I'm going to say it anyway.

We _all _freaking knew that that was HER EVERY OTHER THOUGHT!

This exposed level of obsession leads to a favorite theory of mine, though I doubt that many or you have heard of it since, sadly I have never seen it mentioned on this website. *sigh* how…disappointing.

So, how is it that Hollyleaf can achieve this level of obsession, and handle the mental stress and prejudices of enforcing it on _every single living creature _in the world of Warriors? Well my dear readers, let me explain this in as simple a way as possible, the truth that the Erin Hunters don't want you to know.

HOLLYLEAF'S A FREAKING _ROBOT_!

…

…

You there! Stop staring blankly at the computer screen in utter disbelief! You know that deep down you had always had your suspicions…

But, taking a step away from this perfectly logical theory, if Hollyleaf _isn't_ a robot (unlikely but possible considering the level of twistedness that the Erin Hunters have proven to be capable of committing when creating characters) then where in Starclan's name did Hollyleaf inherit this Obsessive Rule Enforcement Oddity (AKA: OREO) from?

Well, in order to unravel this mystery, I've done some detailed research into Hollyleaf's complicated heiratage, and I came up with this conclusion:

Hollyleaf is the daughter of Leafpool (WARNING: spoilers) who is the daughter of Firestar, who is supposedly the extended brother of Scourge, who killed the great and powerful Tigerstar, who was the father of clan deputy Brambleclaw, who is the adopted father of non other than _Hollyleaf_!

Wait…What?

This rather confusing study leads us to only one logical conclusion since apparently Hollyleaf inherited the OREO syndrome from _herself_:

OMG HOLLYLEAF'S A _ROBOT_!

* * *

**Love Thy Code**

Alright, by now, you have probably figured out that in each chapter, I try to dedicate one subheading to the popular pairings based off of each Warriors character. However, fortunately for society as we know it, there really _aren't_ any popular pairings that involve Hollyleaf because, frankly, besides the 'oh so _clever_ 'HollyXBreeze (NO! JUST NO! WHERE THE HECK DID _THIS _LOAD OF CRAP ORIGINATE FROM? WHEN WAS IT _ONCE _IMPLIED IN THE SERIES? SICK! THEY ARE _RELATRED_! NO! THIS LACKS ALL FORMS OF COMMEN SENSE!) which, in my extremely scrutinizing eyes _does not_ and _will never_ qualify as an actual pairing!

So, you may be asking, why _doesn't_ she have a _real_ pairings on this wide world of Fanfiction? Starclan knows that there are certainly fangirls out there who _live _with no other purpose than to invent pairings simply to avoid this sort of awkward gap in the FORBIDDEN LOVE epidemic going around, and she's certainly one of the _only _Warriors characters without a love story of _some kind_. Well, I'm going to wrap this entire lack-of-pairings phenomenon in one simple statement that, in case you haven't grasped the concept of _any _of what has been said so far, should clear things up quite nicely:

FOOLS! Hollyleaf has one love in life and one love only: THE WARRIOR FREAKING CODE!

There. Plain and simple. Well, I hope that you all have learned something today.

* * *

**Rules Are Rules**

So, besides being the most annoying creature in the history of all things Warriors, what role does Hollyleaf play in the plotline?

Well, despite being an annoying pain in the… um, posterior… Hollyleaf doesn't really have a role. Seriously! Throughout the entire arc, she has no purpose except telling her brothers what to do and preaching about the _precious _warrior code even though no one cares! Sheesh!

Basically, the only thing that held readers' attentions when it came to Hollyleaf was the ever growing anticipation of _what is her super power_? After all, she _is _part of the Power of Three isn't she? As much as she was despised and the most annoying characters of all time, there had to be _something _special about her, right?

However, as the books dragged on, Hollyleaf never got any more interesting, and so eventually the majority simply figured that her super power was the ability to annoy people to death. Lame.

But, Hollyleaf didn't give up, and refused to fall into her brothers' ever growing shadows of epic awesomeness, even though it would have been much more beneficial for everyone's sanity if she had.

Now, it's not to say that Hollyleaf/paw, _never _did anything interesting. In fact, it was quite entertaining, and ironic to witness her schizophrenia (an inherited trait for her father) as she struggled with the choice of almost becoming a medicine cat at the beginning of her training (OK, what?) in The Sight, and the quite ironic _and _hypocritical moment in Dark River when she (gasp) _broke_ _the warrior code_ and got caught spying on Riverclan because she _wanted to help them_. Now, that last scenario can be viewed in two separate ways. Because we can, let's take a look at both:

1: Hollypaw has inherited her grandfather Firestar's _need _to help _everybody_/ _not Mary-Sueness _

2: Hollypaw is really evil deep down and decides to gather information on Riverclan that will lead to their potential downfall, thus causing mass chaos in all clans with the absence of both an ally and a rival, leading to an epic battle that spirals the world of Warriors into utter turmoil. Once the dust and chaos begins to settle, Hollypaw shall rise from the ashes and be there to pick up the pieces of their shattered world, and rule it with an iron fist (do cats have fists?) and enforce the warrior code with every fiber of her being! (*Cough* ADOLF *cough* FREAKING *cough* HITLER)

Well, I don't know about you, but that's a hard decision. Both are equally likely, considering the facts, so I'll leave that up to you to decide. (Option TWO is the only way!)

Anyway, after the commotion in Dark River, we don't really get a whole bunch from Hollypaw/leaf. Except for in Eclipse, when Sol comes in.

Now, Hollyleaf's attitude toward Sol is confusing, inconsistent, and even borderline bipolar. We _think_ that she sort of trusts him at first since he claims he knows about the prophecy. Then she hates him for making ShadowClan atheist, which is against the warrior code. Then she likes him again because he offers to teach them how to be awesome. Then she hates him again for no apparent reason. Then she decides to threaten him into telling them who their own parents are.

Why Hollyleaf, are you turning out to be a _violent _person?

This complicated relationship is so confusing that it is sometimes confused as yet another attempted case of FORBIDDEN LOVE. Do not be fooled though. Sol would never be that stupid!

Oh yeah, and somewhere along the way in this complicated plotline, Hollyleaf decides that she wants to be clan leader. Wow. Did we _really _not see _that _coming?

StarClan help us! When did ThunderClan become so twisted?

But yeah, other than that, we don't get a whole bunch from Hollyleaf (THANK GOODNESS!)

That is, until Sunrise.

* * *

**Hypocrisy and REVENGE! **

Alright, Sunrise is the semi-epic book that completely revolutionized the Power of Three arc. It is in this book that we see a completely new side of Hollyleaf. A side that reveals her PURE EVIL!

The change begins when we find that, out of the three siblings, Hollyleaf is struggling the most with the new discovery that her life is a lie and her parents aren't really her parents. In fact, she's the only one out of her siblings who even _cares_.

So, Hollyleaf makes it her second most important lot in life (enforcing the code being the first of course!) to find out their heiratage. But, she's barely beaten to the punch by Jayfeather, proving that she really _isn't_ the smart one in the family.

Okay, so you would think that finding out the _BIG SECRET_ about her parents might make her happy and less depressed, right?

WRONG!

Hollyleaf is distraught by the revelation that she is the daughter of a _medicine cat AND _an _enemy clan warrior_, thus making her very existence _against the warrior _code. _TWICE OVER!_

Unfortunately, what Hollyleaf fails to realize is the art of loopholes and politics. In the warrior code, it clearly states :

"_Thou shall be allowed to have friendships with cats from other clans, but your loyalty must remain to your clan…"_

Okay, so that makes sense, but _technically_, Leafpool and Crowfeather had turned their backs on the clans when the kits were conceived, thus meaning they were outside the code (sort of…) and had no rules to break. So, _technically_, while the relationship itself was forbidden since it _began _while they were still in the clans, the kits birth didn't _exactly_ break the code.

Also, never once does it say in the warrior code that Medicine cats can't have kits. Never. It isn't even _mentioned _in The Code of the Clans, so where did that rule come from anyway?

In closing, if you look at it from a lawyer's perspective, the birth of the three kits breaks no rules. Sorry Hollyleaf, I guess no politics for you.

Anyway, she goes completely insane, reveals the big truth at the next gathering in front of _all the clans_, and admits to _murdering another clanmate, _and then _attempts to murder her own freaking mother_!

Whoa, is it just me, or did Hollyleaf suddenly just get slightly more awesome? _Slightly_ being the key word here.

Wait, wait, wait. Let's back up a second. One count of _murder_ and another count of _attempted murder_? Isn't that like, the BIGGEST rule in the _warrior code_?

HOLLYLEAF YOU FREAKING HYPOCRIT!

Well, at least Hollyleaf was punished for her wrong doing like any naughty rule breaker, right?

WRONG!

Well, actually, she was… but not by her clan. That's right folks, StarClan finally took pity on the world of the living and decided to take matters into their own paws!

And thus it was, that as Hollyleaf fled from her own clan, before the eyes of her own brothers, StarClan did smiteth her in their cruel revenge after moons and moons of hypocrisy, and she was anticlimactically crushed to death in the _secret tunnels_ that _still NO ONE KNEW ABOUT!_

Or was she?

* * *

**Of Theories and Automatons**

Ever since Hollyleaf's anticlimactic 'death' in Sunrise, and the revelation that she _isn't _part of the Power of Three (which completely defeats the purpose of the entire freaking third arc, except bringing in profits) there have been controversial theories flying around left in right as to what the later plotline might hold for all things Warriors.

The main question: is Hollyleaf really dead?

We can only hope dear readers, we can only hope.

Many have theorized that miraculously Hollyleaf survived the cave in, and will return in later books to reap her horrible revenge on the clans and force all to cower in fear at the presence of the warrior code, and purge all non-believers (H-I-T-L-E-R.) Frankly, I do actually support this theory, if not because the entire ordeal was just a little _too _anticlimactic. StarClan I hope we are wrong…

Also this theory supports yet another theory that I believe wholeheartedly in.

_HOLLYLEAF'S A FREAKING ROBOT_!

It's simple really. Robots don't get crushed by mud and earth. If she died, well, then she was just some annoying but still somewhat 'normal' cat (I use this word _extremely _lightly here; Hollyleaf isn't normal.) And if she lives, well…

ROBOT!

Now, if Hollyleaf did die, that's a whole different ball ground of theories. Did she go to StarClan or the Dark Forest?

Frankly, I say, who really _cares_? Dead is dead. But, if it must be speculated, I believe that, if she truly _is _dead, then she didn't go to either. She's too obsessive and naughty for Starclan, and she's not awesome enough for the Dark Forest (where _all _the cool kids are!) so, instead, she is forced to wonder through time and space all alone, contemplating, life, existence, and, most importantly, THE WARRIOR CODE!

* * *

**What is This 'Normal' You Speak of?**

Well, to wrap things up, Hollyleaf is, quite frankly the most annoying, obsessive, and yes, slightly scary characters in the world of Warriors, and trust me, that's _really_ saying something! There are probably _thousands _of characters in Warriors. Congratulations Hollyleaf, you have inspired a completely new level of hatred and spite in all of us!

On an awesomeness scale of one to ten, one being the lowest, Hollyleaf originally was about a negative ten. However, after the brutal murder of Ashfur and attempted murder of Leafpool, we've no choice but to bump her up to a negative _five_!

Better luck next arc Hollyleaf. Who knows, if the Erin Hunters will it and you _are _still alive (NO! FOR ALL OF OUR SAKES, DON'T LET IT BE SO!) then maybe you'll move up to a zero on the scale for invincibility points.


	5. Graystripe

Chapter 5:

Graystripe; Because every superkitty needs a useless side-kick to make them look better!

* * *

**Gray- wait, who?**

You know, Graystripe, the random fat sidekick that does all the work and gets none of the credit. _That _Graystripe.

There, now that I've refreshed your memories, we'll begin.

The world has never seemed to have been very kind to dear Graystripe. Throughout the entire Warriors series he's been nearly drowned on several occasions, been the unfortunate recipient of not one but _two _half baked FORBIDDEN LOVE scenarios, been forced to switch clans _twice _and receiving the spite and resentment of all clans in the process, lost both his first born kits to a different clan and in later cases death and relocation, been captured by twolegs, _and _stripped of his deputy ranking.

Of course, all of this was on top of helping defeat Brokenstar, saving Ravenpaw from certain death, saving WindClan _and _RiverClan, surviving through a fire _and _a dog attack, and dealing with all of the emotional stress that Firepaw/heart/star dumps on him because HE CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

However, none of this seems to matter at _all _because he's just the lackey sidekick and _that's his job_! And what does he get in return for doing all the work and getting none of the credit? The answer is nothing. Nope. Zip. Nada. Squat. Oh, I think you all get the picture.

So, what exactly is it about Graystripe that people don't care about? What makes him so easy to take advantage of?

Well, to start with, let's take a look into the deep, emotional, secret and private life of Graystripe, get it all open and put it up for the entire world to see, violating all personal rights he has remaining!

* * *

**The Role of Sidekick**

Alright, we all know that, as much as Firestar lovers will deny it, there really wouldn't be much of a first arc if it wasn't for Graystripe. I mean, sure, Firepaw was the awesome not-Mary Sue super hero with a prophecy breathing down his neck, but who was the one that nearly killed him the first time he wondered too far into the forest and inspired him to join Thunderclan?

GRAYSTRIPE!

When Firepaw decided to tear apart innocent Tigerclaw's reputation just because he was more gangsta than him, who was there to tell him he was a paranoid, jealous freak?

GRAYSTRIPE!

When Firepaw decided to singlehandedly storm the ShadowClan camp for breaking the warrior code, who was there to make sure he didn't die?

GRAYPSTRIPE!

When Fireheart was made a warrior, who was _also _made a warrior but no one cared because he didn't count for squat?

GRA- wait, who were we talking about again….

Okay, folks, I think you get the picture. Graystrop (I think that was his name…) gets a lot of crap and no credit. But hey, that's not to say that his role as sidekick doesn't have its rewards, right? I mean, it could always be worse…

EXAMPLES:

1)He could have just turned out to be one of those side characters that don't get any role in the plotline what so ever until they randomly die at a young age and make everyone feel sorry for them (HONEYFERN!)

2) Gorsop (is that it?) could have ended up as one of those schizophrenic types that randomly switch clans for no apparent reason, or go loner/rouge/tribe cat just cause they get bored and want attention. (STORMFUR!)

3) Grelstrap might have been turned out to be one of those code freaks, annoyed everyone to death with his love of the WARRIOR FREAKING CODE, been a complete hypocrite, had OREO syndrome, then randomly died in a tunnel cave in after exposing devastating secrets at a clan meeting. (HOLLY-FREAKING -LEAF!)

Anyway, seeing all of the above options Glowstaple had to choose from, is it really a wonder that he simply chose sidekick? At least that way he gets some role of mild interest in the plotline and gets his own 'manga' series.

* * *

**Fireproof**

Probably the most difficult things that Gripstol has to deal with throughout the entire Warriors series is the job that is so gruesome and horrible that it could make even Tigerstar crawl into a corner and weep openly:

Dealing with Firestar's ego.

May StarClan have mercy on your soul Gaysloo, may StarClan have mercy on your soul.

Since day one of the first Warriors book, Glarpaw was forcibly paired with Firepaw as his sidekick and supposed 'friend', when we all really knew that he was only in on the job because the Erin Hunters had _made_ _him an offer he couldn't refuse_ (cue _The Godfather _theme music)

Seeing this horrible fate that would certainly befall him if this evil plotline was allowed to commence, Gloppaw came up with a wonderful plan to assassinate the future ThunderClan hero and cease all progressing before they could commence.

This plan is put into play in one of the first chapters of Into the Wild when Grerpaw attacks young Rusty in an ingenious attempt to kill him before the stupid kittypet can ruin his life and force him into a doomed, overshadowed existence. Unfortunately, Bluestar intervenes and the plotline is allowed to commence.

DARN YOU BLUESTAR! NO WONDER NO ONE CRIED WHEN YOU DIED!

From then on, it was all downhill from there.

As Firepaw gained power and recognition in the clan, not only did Grapplepaw lose his, but he also was forced into putting up with Firepaw/heart's inflating head while maintaining the 'beast friend' façade, all the while still attempting the young hero's downfall and cleverly framing Tigerclaw seeing how Firepaw hated him anyway.

At first, it really wasn't all that bad. After all, he did have his accomplice Ravenpaw to share the spite and stress with… until the little bugger crumbled under the head exploding ego fuzzball that was Firepaw, and ran away to become a loner. Little traitor…

Now, not only was Grawswat forced to endure head busting ego exposure, now he was also forced to embark on insane and just plain stupid journeys that the demon Fireheart thought up just to make himself look better: Helping EVERYBODY!

Anyway, so, after the betrayal of his only ally, Gwelsylp is forced to deal with the pressure on his own, and must find some other way to take out his spite besides dumping on Ravenpaw.

* * *

**FORBIDDEN LOVE: Results may vary…**

In Fire and Ice, Groutswet finds a new way to distract himself from his angst. You guessed it: FORBIDDEN LOVE!

While stuck training his new apprentice (of _course _with Fireheart; apparently that idiot can't do _anything _on his own) Gluestrin finally goes overboard and decides that suicide would be a whole lot better than living around this egotistic tom for a moment more and, in a feigned attempt to stop Cinderpaw (yes _Fireheart_'s apprentice) from trespassing on RiverClan territory since her mentor is too good to do it himself, Groggleso tries to drown himself in the river.

It probably would have worked to, but the Erin Hunters just weren't going to let him out of his sentencing that easily.

Enter Warriors FORBIDDEN LOVE attempt number two.

Instead of drowning peacefully, Glopslop was rescued by a Riverclan warrior, Silverstream. Coincidentally, they fell in love on the spot. Seriously. In a matter of only a few chapters they're already meeting in secret. COME ON! It took even _Bluestar _at _least _half a freaking five hundred page novel to even realize she _liked _an enemy warrior! It took freaking CROWFEATHER an entire _book _to realize he was in love with Feathertail and another _two _till he admitted he liked Leafpool! Clearly there is something wrong with these perverted warriors!

Anyway, thus begins the love story of SilverXGoy, the first _successful _pairing in the series. Actually, besides being incredibly rushed and the result of a suicide attempt, this pairing isn't that bad. In a way, it showed us an entirely new side of Grooslop, a more rebellious, and yet at the same time calmer side. It also seemed to make Grippersline happy and actually managed to keep that annoying egocentric Fireheart away for a while.

Of course, then there was the detail where the relationship nearly ruined his relationship with his clanmates, distracted him from his duties, made him dump his apprentice as egotistical Fireheart's problem (REVENGE!) and in the end broke his heart when Silverstream died a tragic death while giving birth to his kits which nearly caused a war with RiverClan.

Despite all of the angst and heartbreak it all ended in, the ordeal gave Glorntip the most promising opportunity of a lifetime. Using the excuse that he needed to be with his kits, Gloppinto leaves ThunderClan and joins RiverClan, FINALLY escaping that maniac Fireheart.

Or, so he thinks…

* * *

**FREEDOM: It Was Never Meant to be**

Unfortunately, Glunstro's freedom ends after only two books, and the Erin Hunters _make_ _him_ another _offer he can't refuse_. He must rejoin ThunderClan. You would think that it couldn't get any worse than that, right?

WRONG!

Fireheart, it turns out, is now clan _deputy_ (STARCLAN WHY!) and also Tiger_star _is out for revenge since Fireheart had blamed him for all of Gloontrop's murder attempts. Oops. So now, Grocklepuff is caught in the middle of all this stress and on top of all else his kits are still in RiverClan. Is it any _wonder _why this guy hates Fireheart?

It all comes to a head in The Darkest Hour, and Fire_star_, complete with a newly inflated ego gets everything he ever dreamed of (leadership, a mate in his own clan, and the love of millions) and Gwapstopa gets nada. Nope. Nothing.

In fact instead of being _rewarded _for his bravery, dedication, and putting up with the impossible, Gloppensmurf is stuck with yet another torturous job: deputy.

That's right folks, not only does this guy now have to put up with Firestar every moment of his waking life, he now as to deal with everyone else's crap too. Thanks a lot Erin Hunter, THANKS A LOT!

* * *

**Nothing Happens**

Okay folks, take a look at the subheading for this section. Why on Earth would I put a boring title like that? Surely it would insure tedium and boring events that lead to absolutely nothing and would therefore be pointless to even mention?

Well people, that's exactly why I posted it, because, after the end of the first Warriors arc, that's exactly happens to our unimportant little friend Gasslip. Nothing. Absolutely freaking nothing!

For the next three consecutive books, we hear almost nothing about Grasslump except in passing conversation _maybe_. The Erin Hunters either forgot about him, or he found a temporary loophole in their lifelong contract they made him sign. Either way, for a while there, it actually seemed as if he might have found happiness….

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Yeah, right…

Halfway through the second arc, the Erin Hunters seem to get bored with Glipensmurf's role and decide to throw him yet another hurdle. So, he's captured by twolegs.

…Wow, really? On top of all else, _really_? Well Erin Hunter, I think that you've made it quite clear that Glimmerswet had a very suckish life.

Now, you might be thinking that ThunderClan was devastated by the loss of their loyal deputy and friend. Well, stop straining yourself and stop thinking, because you are completely WRONG! While there is mild sorrow and concern, the clan moves on and abandon's their territory to go find a new one, destroying any hope that Grimstreaker has of finding them. Wow. Betrayal much? Even _Firestar _doesn't really care. I mean, sure, he's depressed for a while, but that's only because he's lost his own emotional punching bag. I think that would make you a little glum too.

Completely alone, Grummpysim spends several moons living as a kittypet, longing for his forest home…

Wait, what? Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's back up for just a second here! A few _moons_? Okay, a few days or weeks I can understand, but _moons_? What the heck? Did he never _once _consider just _leaving_? Seriously? He's not exactly chained to a wall. Why can't he just, oh I don't know, _walk around the suburb for a while till he finds the way out_? Isn't that how Scourge found his way around when he was a _kit_? Sheesh, and I thought that _Firestar _was an idiot.

So anyway, _moons _later, Glumsir finally finds his way out of the twoleg place. But wait, why would he suddenly leave _now_?

Answer: Millie.

Shortly after being introduced to the life as a kittypet, Ghastson meets a kittypet she-cat that lives near him named Millie that seems to always be around. Trying to be optimistic, he marks it off as simple friendliness. But, eventually, he begins to see this as it truly is.

MILLIE IS A STALKER!

So, overwhelmed by the she-cat's obsessive stalking, Gffeldorsel flees the twoleg place and embarks on an epic journey to find his clan, _just like he could have the entire time._ That's right, screw kittypets! Even putting up with _Firestar _was better than that little stalker.

Unfortunately, Millie is such a dedicated little stalker person that she follows him all the way from the twoleg place to the new lake territory. Eventually, the two end up becoming mates, because Glimmberstick realizes that he's never going to be able to shake that annoyance and decides that, at least this way he will have an excuse to be angsty.

Of course, when the two arrive in the new territory, they are met by much shock and many surprises. Apparently Firestar's babies had demented babies, and everyone was happy and well.

However, there was one pressing detail that somehow managed to overshadow all others and proved to Grwelksly that there really _was _a StarClan.

As it turned out, Firestar was too needy to wait for him and had found a new punching bag: BRAMBLECLAW!

Garysty was officially free of his horrible duties, and the mental reign of terror over his life seemed to be over. Of course there was also the fact that the love of his life was dead, his daughter was dead, his son left to join the Tribe of Rushing Water (whoever the heck they were) and now the fate of the world was in the paws of three demented kits, and on top of all else he had to pretend to be mates with a stalker. BUT HE WAS FREE FOR STARCLAN's SAKE!

FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!

Oh, wait no, it turns out that Millie's pregnant.

*Facepalm* SO FREKAING CLOSE!

* * *

**Where is He Now?**

So, let us reflect on what we have learned here today about dear Grufflesquee.

Folks, this is a cat who is emotionally disturbed, angsting constantly, a loose cannon, a trained assassin and over all doesn't count for squat.

He's been there for the entire series and, even though he should be _ancient _by Warriors standards (seriously, he's lived longer that the life span of both Sunstar _and _Bluestar and has been around for all of Firestar's lives), he's taken more crap than any other character.

And you know what, none of us give a #$% either.

*Ahem*

Graystripe's role in the series is a minute one in any case, and the most tedious and mind numbing one any of us could ever imagine. But hey, someone's got to do it right? It's not that no one cares about him, it's just that… well, actually, yeah; no one cares about him.

Well Graystripe, we all give you our sincerest of sympathy…

NOW SUCK IT UP AND LIVE WITH IT!

* * *

**Hope this is enough to satisfy you guys till I have a chance to update again. For once, I've thought ahead and know exactly what I'm doing for next chapter:**

**Alright folks, here's the deal. Every sixth chapter I'm going to do things a little differently. Instead of just doing a single character, chapters six, twelve, twenty-four and so on will be about anything you guys want it to be about. That's right, anything that has to do with Warriors, be it a pairing, a book, an arc, a clan, you get the point. **

**I already know what I'm doing for this special chapter, but please feel free to go ahead and start suggesting for future ones. **


	6. CrowXLeaf

**Alrighty people, as promised, SUPER CHAPTER SIX! Sorry for the wait, apparently flu and sarcasm do not mix well… **

**As always, thank you to my reviewers, you guys make my day. All of your suggestions have been noted and most will be used for later chapters.**

**

* * *

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Chapter 6:

CrowXLeaf; Because, let's face it people, it really doesn't get any more forbidden than this.

* * *

**A Tale of Two Lovers**

_Once upon a moon, in a magical, glittery territory by a magical, glittery lake, there lived two lovers. Oh, they were young and naive, but their passion was strong and true. It had started when the brave warrior Sir Crowfeather, saved the life of the young maiden, Lady Leafpool. The two immediately fell in desperate love. But their relationship could never be, because they were from different clans, and Lady Leafpool was medicine cat. But, the two couldn't live without each other, so, they fled from their home together, starting a new life as….._

NO! NO, NO, _**NO**_! I can't even _try _to finish that overly dramatic, poorly thought out summary because it makes my eyes bleed so much! UGH! It's going to take _weeks _to get over the emotional scarring!

No people, I haven't gone insane; the horrible piece of… _writing _(I use that word loosely) seen above is not there making you shudder for no purpose at all (though it is mildly amusing imagining all of the plot Nazis out there who are now writhing.)

If you can handle the emotional trauma involved, take another glance at the introductory…piece. Now, this may come as a surprise to about half of the fangirls (you know what, no, _all _the fangirls) reading this, but that is _not _how you write a story.

Wait, no, let me rephrase that; that is not how you are _supposed _to write a story. For those of you staring at the screen in utter shock and horror at this new revelation (yes you, the one that just broke out in a cold sweat) this is not literature, this is the work of an obsessive fangirl or a very dedicated troll (if you are the latter, I do solemnly congratulate you for a job well done!)

Unfortunately folks the above text is pretty similar to most of the pairing centered stories posted here on the Warriors archive. And of course, what is the most common pairing these abominations show up for? You guessed it!

OMG! CROWXLEAF!

Or, wait, maybe I should rewrite that exclamation correctly.

WTF! CROWXLEAF!

Well guys, when I first sat down to write this chapter, I decided to do a little research into all of the insane stories written for this pairing. I mean, come on why not? The fangirl invasion surely couldn't be as bad as some of the _other _archives that are now completely overrun. I mean, it's _just _a pairing, given an unexpected one but still…

Anyway, so I took a look at some of the random CrowXLeaf stories out there…and got about five minutes into it before I started beating my computer with a sledge hammer (very fun, I highly recommend it) and then went off in pursuit of both a tissue for my uncontrolled weeping over the loss of all common sense and a skilled therapist that might help with some of the emotional scarring.

Never. Again.

But, in the five consecutive minutes before my eyes started burning for the epic failure of it all, I gathered enough to know that I now hate this pairing with the extreme loathing intensity equal to that of a thousand grease fires.

Below is an example of a small, believable CrowXLeaf instance (taken from the fifth book in the New Prophecy, Twilight because it's really the only place I could _find _an example that was even mildly believable):

_(Excerpt from _Twilight, _pages 221 and 222. All rights reserved to Erin Hunter; I don't own Warriors)_

_For a moment, her guilt and anxiety faded. She felt as though noting mattered except being close to him, gazing into his burning amber eyes. _

"_I know there are problems," Crowfeather went on, scraping the earth with his claws. "You're a medicine cat, and we're in different Clans. The whole warrior code is against us. But there _must _be a way."_

_(End Excerpt)_

And _this _is an example of the majority of CrowXLeaf Fanfiction stories, written by fangirls for fangirls:

_She stared into his wonderful, glittering eyes, feeling as if her body would burst with absolute love. He leaned into her, licking her cheek and purring warmly. _

"_I love you Leafpool." _

"_I love you too." Leafpool purred, never feeling happier. The happiness was gone in a flash though. "But this is wrong. It's against the warrior code!" _(*Sigh* I guess we all see where Hollyleaf got her genes from.)

"_SCREW THE WARRIOR FLIPPING CODE!" _ (And that's where Jayfeather get's _his _charming traits.)

_Leafpool sighed and smiled sadly, regretting what she was about to say. "Crowfeather, I'm pregnant." _

_Crowfeather smiled reassuringly "Wonderful. I love everyone!"_

It is truly sad how small the amount of exaggeration used in that last example was. As you can see, something here doesn't add up, and throughout this chapter, I'm going to explain to you every aspect of why that is. Who knows, you might learn something that you never knew and had absolutely no desire to!

But if you'll excuse me for just one second, I appear to be on the verge on a nervous breakdown from actually purposefully writing that eyesore that was the previous example.

* * *

**A Match Made in StarClan?**

So, why is it that this pairing is such a complete fail? Well, let's start by looking at the origins of where it came from.

It starts with a WindClan warrior, Crowfeather, who is absolutely heartbroken over loosing Feathertail, his _other _one true love. So, he tries to retreat deep into his emo corner, but seems to take a wrong turn somewhere along the way and ends up in a briefly highly emotional state in which he falls in love with the first random cat that passes by, which coincidentally happened to be Leafpool.

So, even though his _other _one true love is dead, Crowfeather decides to go ahead and stalk Leafpool because he's just too impatient to wait for Feathertail. Wow. Schizophrenic much? Then, miraculously, Crowfeather rescues Leafpool from almost falling off of the high side of the gorge.

Oh Leafpool, you klutz.

He then proceeds to admit his undying love for her (just like he did with Feathertail) and, suddenly, Leafpool realizes that she's in love too! She just never realized it because she was too busy hating his guts and not caring!

Does anyone else see a flaw in this relationship? I mean, really, besides the whole 'medicine cat X enemy warrior' thing. Anyone? Am I the _only _one who sees how horribly failtastic this is? I mean _come on_! It even took _FireFREAKINGpaw _half a book to realize that he was in love with Spottedleaf. It Glayswapseveral chapters! And now these too fall in love in a few sentences? Really? _Really_? Doesn't this all seem a bit, oh I don't know, _rushed_? They don't know _anything_ about each other for crying out loud! For all Leafpool knows, Crowfeather is a psychopathic mass murderer cannibal who will kill her in her sleep!

Seeing all of these unmistakable loop holes, I don't know about you guys, but I certainly can only come with only one logical reason why Leafpool would be that stupid:

Due to a sudden gap in interesting plot twists, the Erin Hunters _made her an offer she couldn't refuse_ (Cue _Godfather_ theme music!)

Alright, so they're circumstances are a little unrealistic, but come on, there has to be _something _completely perfect about it. I mean, there has to be _some _reason why it's so freaking successful. Well everyone, rest assured that there is indeed a reason behind the popularity of CrowXLeaf, two words that makes me shudder:

Marketing schemes.

Now here's a real look at why CrowXLeaf was meant to be:

It all happened after the release of Dawn, when the Erin Hunters suddenly realize that they've run into a problem. After relocating the clans to a new territory and completing an entire prophecy, the promised plotline for the New Prophecy arc has pretty much been wrapped up except for a few loose ends, and they still have three books left. Considering that there is only so much filler and chaos that can be considered worthy plotline material, the authors saw that they needed to add a few new devices to the new Warriors books in order to make sure that they succeeded. So, what do you get when you need plot filler? A few random battles, clan tensions, and a whole bunch of badgers!

But something was still missing to the story, so they decided to go back and take a look at their main characters that by now were beginning to gradually fade into the background since the prophecy was over. Tawnypelt really didn't have much to offer, even though she _was _pretty awesome, and Stormfur of course was stranded in the mountains with a strange cult (oh, sorry, _tribe_) of cats, which meant he was out, and of course Feathertail was dead as a doornail. That pretty much left Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight, which were at this point already sucking up all of the available plot material that there was with all of their angst, prejudice, and denial.

So then that only left Crowfeather, the depressed, slightly emo, schizophrenic guy that everyone hates and Leafpool, the kind, loving, _perfect _medicine cat apprentice who everyone hates. Yeah, because _that _totally works…

Seeing their limited options, the Erin Hunters made it so, and now because of a simple lack of plot interest we have an epidemic on our hands.

* * *

**Two Halves of a Shattered Whole**

Just in case the origins of this sick relationship didn't convince you that this paring is a complete fail, we'll take a look into a deeper subject; the personality compatibility of Crowfeather and Leafpool.

Crowfeather: an emo, pessimistic, schizophrenic and slightly psychotic warrior with anger management problems, mood swings, and commitment issues.

Leafpool: optimistic and calm, perfect daughter of Firestar that can do no wrong; medicine cat apprentice, receives prophecies and omens that her mentor doesn't, and talks to dead people.

Yeah, because that totally works!

Please people, I beg of you! See sense just for once! If it weren't for the Dictator-Author thing, this would NEVER work. Ever. He's an emo jerk, she's a perfect _so-totally-not-Mary-Sue_ just like her father who _never _getsmad (well, except when Jayfeather is involved, but let's face it, who _doesn't_ he irritate?) It just doesn't happen! What do they have to talk about? What common ground could they possibly have except for the fact that both of them have had random prophecies inflicted upon them by the author overlords? Yeah, I'm sure _that _one's a real conversation starter….

_Leafpool and Crowfeather sat in the shade, looking blankly at each other, trying to ignore awkward silence that had ensued between them. Crowfeather being naive and clueless decided to try and make conversation. _

"_So, uh, you're a medicine cat, right?" he asked dumbly._

"_Medicine cat apprentice actually."_

"_Oh, well, that must be interesting. I don't think that I could have the patience for that though; it seems like it would be a quiet job."_

"_It is," Leafpool admitted, feeling slightly irked by the comment. "But not uneventful. We do get prophecies after all."_

"_Prophecies? Like what?"_

"_Oh, nothing really. Forewarnings of ultimate doom, glimpses of horrible battles and death and destruction that haunt your every nightmare. No biggie. Why, just the other day I got a prophecy that my sister's mate might destroy the clans with his evil half-brother. Then I got a vision that convinced Firestar to make him clan deputy."_

"_Huh, go figure."_

"_So…" Leafpool said. "You went on the journey to the sun-drown place with Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw, right? That must have been… interesting…"_

"_Definitely." Crowfeather agreed. "You know, except for the part where we were nearly killed on a regular basis…and the fact that I absolutely despise almost everyone who I traveled with…and how the one cat I _didn't _hate and fell madly in love with died a tragic death in order to fulfill a _second _prophecy and save my life. Then there was how everyone hated me when I got back home because they thought that I was a deserter. Yeah, it was a blast."_

"_Oh, well, I'm sorry to hear that someone died…hey, wait, what do you mean _'madly in love with'_?_ _You said you were madly in love with _me_!"_

_Crowfeather swallowed nervously, "Um, well…anyway, so yeah, the cats I went with to the sun-drown place were really annoying." He said in a lame attempt to change the subject. _

"_Oh, were they now?"_

"_Definitely! Especially this one she-cat, she's in your clan I think. Squirrelflight. Irritating as heck."_

_Leafpool got an odd sort of look on her face, and her voice became as smooth as honey. "So you think Squirrelflight is irritating?"_

"_Um, duh! She just wouldn't shut up! And she's such an idiot; she nearly got us killed multiple times. _And _she wasn't even part of the prophecy; she was just tagging along to swoon over Brambleclaw in my opinion… why are you looking at me like that?"_

_Leafpool was glaring at Crowfeather, giving him a dark look that could have caused a fox to turn tail and flee for his life. Her voice was as cold as leafbare. _

"_Squirrelflight is my sister." _

"_Oh... Well, this is awkward…"_

See how well that works? Yeah, it doesn't, does it?

Also, taking a step back from personality differences, let's look at their social differences. No, I DO NOT mean medicine cat – warrior or ThunderClan –WindClan sort of differences. I could honestly care less about those, and I have a feeling that a good portion of the world feels the same. No, I'm talking about something much more binding, a deeper law than even the Warrior Code.

People, we are talking about her is an enter-social class relationship. *gasp*

Think about it, daughter of clan leader/prodigy and a sulky _normal_ warrior. They're from different worlds people, it wasn't meant to be.

* * *

**The Spawn of Evil **

By now, I think it has become quite clear why CrowXLeaf shouldn't be, but the sad fact is that it _is_. So, instead of the part where we take a break and count our blessings for what will never happen, let's take a look at the sad results of what _did _happen.

Let's face it folks, besides bringing in profits, the Power of Three was written for one purpose and one purpose only: to answer the question we had all been wondering since the very beginning of this while CrowXLeaf madness.

So, what _do _you get when you cross a Schizophrenic with a _so-totally-not-Mary-Sue_?

Answer: an emo non-racist who sees dead people, a sadistic future politician, and a Nazis with OREO syndrome.

Or if you look at it from a mathematical standpoint: (CF*LP) + (THcl/Wcl) – tWC= ESCWEPADFAI

Now, just for you simpletons, here's a translation: Crow + Leaf = many, many bad things.

I mean really, do I have to give anymore explanation than their demented offspring? Just look at them!

Jayfeather: _an ambitious little freak who could care less about the world and likes to spend his free time swooning after a stick. _

InheritedTraits:_ Takes after his father in the emo department and his mother in the fact that he receives weird prophecies. The suffix _–feather_, was given to him by his mother in an 'oh so subtle' attempt to remember her beloved Crowfeather even though he could now care less about her. _

Lesson Learned: _Warriors ,if you have kits with a medicine cat, not only will your child grow up plotting your demise, he will also haunt you in your nightmares while doing it.(literally) _

Hollyleaf: _Psychotic rules Nazis who has no greater love in life than the warrior code_

Inherited Traits: _OREO syndrome from…herself. Darn robots…_

Lesson Learned: _If you're going to build an automaton, always remember to give it an off switch… _

Lionblaze: _Sadistic warrior with super strength and super political skills. _

Inherited Traits: _Takes after his father in bad temper and schizophrenia, his adopted father in muscles, and his dead sort-of grandfather, Tigerstar in the ability to strike fear into the hearts of all who cross him. _

Lesson Learned: _forget what they say, the voices _are _real…_

For more information on the twisted worlds of Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf, see chapters two through four.

* * *

**Secrets of DOOOOM **

…_And so the two lovers went their separate, ways, knowing that they would never see each other ever again…except for gatherings…and any other cross clan events…and in battle, in which case they would probably be ripping each other's throats out…oh, you get the point. Lady Leafpool returned to her job as a medicine cat and Sir Crowfeather to his warrior duties. But some things were never meant to die out, for Lady Leafpool had a secret, one that would change the clans… _

Just a question, when reading the Power of Three, how many other people knew from the start that Lionblaze, Jayfeather, and Hollyleaf were Leafpool and Crowfeather's children? Was anyone else not the least bit surprised by the 'revelation' in the fifth book?

I'm betting quite a few of you are nodding your heads right now in acknowledgement. I'm also betting that those of you who just nodded your heads are staring at the screen, feeling just a little freaked out. I'm betting that those of you who both nodded your heads and now feel disturbed are now chuckling nervously.

Okay, I'll stop now.

Anyway, the point is, a lot of us saw it coming. And why wouldn't we really? Sure, it was a decent plot twist, but a disappointingly obvious one. The sad thing is, the awkward complicatedness of the relationship put aside, the entire ordeal is really rather predictable. I mean, wasn't it a little obvious about some things, like how we knew that Leafpool wouldn't really leave the clans for good (she's too much of a goody-goody…) or how Crowfeather would become bitter and go back to being the little emo we all know and hate/love?

Well the Power of Three was no different, and to help prove my point about how terribly easy to see this plot twist was, here's a list of evidence that you could have gathered from just the first few books:

1. Hollypaw and Jaypaw look nothing like their supposed parents, but Hollypaw has dark fur like Crowfeather and Jaypaw is a tabby like Leafpool

2. None of the kits really show similar characteristics with their supposed parents, but have a great deal in common when compared with Crowfeather or Leafpool

3. When one of the three is hurt or in trouble, Leafpool always seems to get more upset than their supposed mother

4. Leafpool relates to Jaypaw better than anyone else

5. It mentions in the book that Squirrelflight's milk never came after her supposed kitting

6. The kits were born outside of camp during leafbare; what kind of mother would leave camp so close to kitting during leafbare if there wasn't some sort of ruse going on?

7. It mentions at one point in Sunset that "_even slender Leafpool was looking plump." _*cough* PREGNANT *cough*

8. Leafpool received a vision about the Power of Three during the New Prophecy

9. In the play "We Need to Talk" by Erin Hunter, Leafpool keeps trying to mention something important to Crowfeather, until he mentions that Nightcloud was having his kits.

10. Leafpool is the only one who even pretends to care when the three of them return from their journey to the mountains

Proof enough for you? Yeah, I would say that Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf are Leafpool and Crowfeather's kits!

* * *

**Happily Ever After**

_And the two stood facing each other once more. The secret was out now, and there was no need for secrecy. Lady Leafpool had kits, and Crowfeather was the father. As the two stared into each other's eyes, they knew, they knew for certain that they could not live without each other, and that in their hearts they would never be apart…_

GAH! It _still _burns to write! *shudders* Let's just get on with the closing notes…

You know the one thing I like about this pairing? The ending. They build up all this hype and drama and then…it ends. Seriously, Crowfeather doesn't even give Leafpool a second glance when he finds out that she had his kits. There's just…nothing. It's freaking awesome!

Ah well, all of you CrowXLeaf supporters don't fret. There's a new arc soon to arrive, and with it a world of possibilities. And if something new does arrive on the topic well… I'll be here to crush all hope and joy that it brings to the pathetic fangirls of the world and give hope and joy to the rest of us!

I'm going to stop with this one last note to those of you who refuse to see the truth: this pairing is like cancer; it starts out small and then grows into something huge and devastating that ruins lives and dreams.

For, just remember my good people, it's because of Crowfeather and Leafpool that we have Hollyleaf.

* * *

_**NOTE: for the complicated equation in the above subheading __**The Spawn of Evil, **__here's a key so that you can understand it:_

(CF*LP) + (THcl/Wcl) – tWC= ESCWEPADFAI

_(Crowfeather _multipliedby_ Leafpool) _plus_ (ThunderClan _divided by_ WindClan) _minus _the warrior code _= _Evil Super Cats With Epic Powers And Doom For All Innocents!_

_And there you have it**

* * *

_

**Yeah… and the ironic thing is, this was one of my favorite pairings too…**

**Up Next: Ferncloud**


	7. Ferncloud

**I must say, when I was reading through reviews, looking at all of the suggestions, I was surprised by how often Ferncloud's name came up. I **_**was **_**going to wait till later to do her but…*shrugs* why not?

* * *

**

Chapter 7:

Ferncloud; because every clan needs babies!

* * *

**A Story Role? Hahahah! That's a Good One…**

The universe of Warriors has always been pretty clear on its rules and regulations; every cat has their place in the story, and no one, _no one, steps _out of line (for fear that the author overlords will alter the plotline to actually _include _them.) Some are warriors, brave cats who fight to keep the clan safe, add to the drama of the story, introduce blood and action that would otherwise be desolate and have a general life span of about three to five books to make way for more important characters. Others are around to give the story a light-hearted sort of feeling and make witty comments at random times then die when the plotline gets bored and needs something interesting.

The point is, every cat has their place, and StarClan help you it you go against yours.

For Ferncloud, this has always been a simple fact of life. Being the unfortunate child born into a family of second rate background characters, she spent her kithood completely unrecognized by the rest of the world except as "one of Brindleface's kits", and was left with only her brother for any real company. Of course looking at how Ashfur turned out that's a sad life.

Her apprenticeship wasn't much different. Seriously, Ferncloud and Ashfur were mentioned during their apprenticeship, what, five times? Maybe a few more. And even then it was only in fleeting moments when the plot needed filler. Oh yeah, and of course there was the part in A Dangerous Path where their mother died a brutal death and her brother went so emo that he volunteered them to lead a pack of blood thirsty dogs away from the camp on a possible suicide mission. That part had many lolz.

But, apart from the brief moments in the almost spotlight and her moment of great triumph, Ferncloud lead a quiet, unprivileged life. And why would she expect any more? She's not even mildly related to Firestar in any way possible, she's just lucky that she gets to breathe the same _air _as the ThunderClan hero; why by any means would she have the audacity to ask for a bigger role? Realizing this, Ferncloud was forced to keep silent, snatching moments where she could and staying out of the way of the greater story.

So what is it then that Ferncloud does? She sure isn't out their defending her clan or serving the main characters, that's for sure. No people, Ferncloud has a much more important role to this story than fighting to keep her clan safe, or making the other characters look better. No folks, Ferncloud has a role so important, that the entire clan feels the repercussions of her contributions.

Ferncloud makes babiez.

* * *

**The Baby Factory**

Shortly after Ferncloud is introduced as Fernpaw during the first arc, we're not quite sure what Erin Hunter has planned for her. What does Fernpaw have going for her? She's not related to Firestar, not very pretty, not a dead medicine cat or a crippled medicine cat apprentice, not a wimpy apprentice with an evil mentor (though she comes pretty close; I mean come on! She had Dark-freaking-stripe as a mentor! Now _that_ guy is freaking scary!) She doesn't have a deformed face and she isn't blind or holding the power of the star in her paws. She doesn't even have a prophecy for crying out loud; how could anyone care about her?

So, seeing all of this epic failure that was Fernpaw, the Erin Hunters got bored and just decided to bring in one of the old slightly more well known characters to help patch things up and add a few more interesting factors to the story. That's right, after his heart break of Sandstorm, Dustpelt is resurrected from the plot rejects world of ultimate normalness and falls madly in love with Fernpaw.

Really? _Seriously_? To be quite honest I didn't want to believe that this was even a _possible _pairing when I first started reading Warriors. But, as if there's one thing I've learned from Warriors, it is, if I could even come mildly close to a pairing, it will be.

Fernpaw, alone in the world and disturbed deeply that a full grown warrior pedophile had targeted her, had no choice but to submit to the Greater Plotline.

And yeah, that's pretty much it for her role in the first arc. She becomes an apprentice, distracts a pack of bloodthirsty dogs (In other words, she acts as meat-shield for Firestar) rats out Swiftpaw's epic plot/ failful suicide mission, and falls in love with the biggest pedophile since Pinestar himself.

But, let's admit it, it's not her next to nothing role in the first arc that we all frown upon Ferncloud for (okay, except for the DustXFern thing. That's just WRONG!), it's the role she plays in all of the books afterward.

Making babiez.

At first, we don't think much of Ferncloud's new lot in life. When she comes in at the beginning of the New Prophecy, sure she has had one litter of kits with Dustpelt (ew!) and has another on the way. Plenty of queens have several litters, I mean look at Goldenflower; without her we wouldn't have half our main characters!

So then she has her second litter, bringing her to a total of five kits: Shrewpaw, Spiderpaw (gay name), Hollykit (lol foresight), Larchkit, and Birchkit. Then of course Shrewpaw doesn't look where he's going before he crosses the undergrowth and get's killed by a monster.

*sniff* RIP Shrewpaw.

Then Larchkit and Hollykit (lol foresight) die of hunger.

*sniff* RIP Larchkit, we may not have known you well but you were so dang cute in the two chapters you were mentioned.

Hollykit, for all we know you were reincarnated into Hollyleaf, and even if you weren't, you share her name which is bad enough. Good riddance!

Okay, so some of her first kits died of starvation and one of her oldest kits died out of stupidity, does this say much about Ferncloud's mothering techniques?

After that, there's actually only Foxpaw and Icepaw. That's a grand total of seven kits, if you count the three that died. Only four successful. That's not so bad actually. I mean look at some of the queens in Bluestar's Prophecy and the original Warriors arc. They were in and out of the nursery so often that sometimes we forgot that they actually knew how to hunt for themselves!

So, if Ferncloud really isn't that unique, why do we hate her so much?

* * *

**Freeloader be Thy Name**

Yeah, the subheading makes it a little obvious, doesn't it?

For those of you who are blind or just plain clueless, I'll explain anyway.

Well folks, the biggest difference between Ferncloud and the other queens of ThunderClan is that, unlike most she-cats who quickly returned to their warrior duties after raising their kits, Ferncloud…well, didn't. Really.

Instead she stays in the nursery full time to 'help the future queens of ThunderClan' along with her free-loading friend Daisy. Wow. What, does she just not trust the future mothers of the clan to raise their kits, or is she just so terrified of taking an actual step into the plotline?

Going with the first of those two theories, why would Ferncloud have a right to tell future queens how to raise their kits? After all only four out of seven of her children actually survived, and we all know how Spiderleg turned out! Do we really want more cats like that in ThunderClan?

Now the latter theory would defiantly be reasonable. I mean, after looking at what happened to her brother, Graystripe, Brambleclaw, Leafpool, and so many other unfortunate souls, we all might be a little scared to leave the nursery too!

So, in all reality, Ferncloud might actually have a good reason for sitting in the nursery all the time without contributing to the clan except for keeping them supplied with future characters that will more than likely just die at the beginning of their warriorship because the Erin Hunters want to create the allusion that life moves on and cat's _do _die as is the natural order, when really they just don't want to kill of their original warriors that are now pretty much ancient (*cough* Mousefur, Longtail, Firestar, Graystripe, Sandstorm, and Dustpelt*cough*!)

In reality though, is Ferncloud really a free loader or has she seen something we haven't? Is there some elaborate, greater plan at work here?

* * *

**And They Never Saw it Coming**

I can guess your skepticism at that last sentence in the previous subheading and imagine most of you shaking your heads and thinking _"Oh wow, what _now_? Why can't we all just accept that Ferncloud is a stupid freeloader with no life that deserves all of our scorn and our contempt that burns for her like a thousand grease fires?" _

And on the off chance that those were your exact thoughts and I have developed keen trans-cyber mindreading abilities (sweet) here is my answer:

Now where would be the fun in that?

So, once again, it is time for… (_dramatic drum roll)_

EPIC THEORY TIME!

Today's topic: Ferncloud; Starclan's perfect queen or mass murdering psychopath?

Hmmmm… a tough decision as always, so let's take a look at the facts in the fictional story of who Ferncloud _really _is!

Have you ever noticed that Ferncloud hardly ever associates with the other clan cats besides Daisy? Seriously, she doesn't even talk with her acclaimed mate Dustpelt, though frankly I wouldn't blame her. No one cares about Dustpelt these days.

I'm going to skip any psychological mumbo jumbo about how this behavior could be caused by a mental condition and put it out there as plainly as I can.

What would be the point of making friends when she's just going to annihilate them all in the end anyway?

Yeah, you heard me. Go ahead, back up and reread that sentence a few times, and let it all soak in. Now, before you click the back button while laughing nervously to yourself, let me explain the reasoning behind this seemingly insane possibility that Ferncloud might be a sick, evil person.

It all starts in the first arc, during A Dangerous Path, when Fernpaw, driven by a lust for revenge against the author overlords for pairing her with a pedophile, decides to retaliate.

Oh that foolish, naïve, misguided soul.

I'm going to tell you a secret my readers, a secret that the Erin Hunters never meant to get out. In A Dangerous Path, I'm sure that you all can recall how Brightpaw and Swiftpaw went to attack the dogs and how Swiftpaw died and Brightpaw only survived because Fireheart found out from Dustpelt and went and saved her from the brink of death because he's all perfect and junk.

That was never meant to happen. Brightpaw wasn't supposed to survive the dog attack; in the Erin Hunters minds both apprentices were to die a brutal death that would spice up the plotline and leave Cloudtail heartbroken.

But Fernpaw rebelled and told Dustpelt about what had happened and Brightpaw lived, causing a confusing complex element in the story that was actually interesting to read about. The audacity!

The Erin Hunters would not stand for such a thing, and so, to teach her a lesson, at the end of the book they make both Fernpaw and her brother Ashpaw be the ones to act as bait for the dog pack, a situation that would have killed them if the Erins saw fit.

Oppressed and alone, Fernpaw submitted to a life of motherhood, forever in the shadows of other characters, too afraid to fight back…

Or is she?

Out of all of the past queens of Thunderclan, Ferncloud does seem to be the most eager to have kits. She's always ready to supply more babiez to raise under her teachings and complete influences, and now she's wanting to influence the other young queens' kits as well! Why is this?

Can you guess? Do you think you know the answer to what is really going on here right underneath our noses?

FERNCLOUD IS RAISING AN ARMY OF HER OWN BABIEZ!

And one day, out of the shadows they shall rise, unanticipated and unmatched and Ferncloud shall rule the clans!

ALL HAIL FERNSTAR! ALL HAIL FERNSTAR! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…

*Ahem*

* * *

**A Quick Lesson on Character Judgment **

So what have we learned today folks?

Well, some appropriate answers would be:

A pedophilic mate can lead to a scarred life.

Don't challenge the author overlords.

If you _do _challenge the author overlords you must accept that there are consequences to pay.

Today's freeloaders are tomorrow's dictators.

When life gives you lemons, make babies.

The point here people is don't judge a book by its cover, because who knows, the one you call a bum, freeloader of no importance may someday rule the world (if Jayfeather or Hollyleaf doesn't beat her to the punch) and when she does, you might be on her list.

* * *

**Hmm, this is a shorter chapter than usual. My apologies; there isn't that much written about Ferncloud in the books so I sort of had to improvise…**


	8. Tigerstar

**Sorry for the wait guys, my inspiration decided to go on vacation without notifying me before hand. Thanks for those of you who reviewed and helped remind me to get off my lazy butt. **

**On another note, ever since the release of ****The Fourth Apprentice**** (which was surprisingly epic) I have been getting droves of people with metaphoric pitchforks calling for Berrynose's blood because of his new affair with Poppyfrost (lolz wat?) I assure you all that Berrynose will get his turn on the chopping board, but first I would like to get a few other characters out of the way. Do not fret, Berrynose will get his all in good time. **

**NOTICE: I have also decided to start adding chapter titles besides the character's name, just for the lolz.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 8: The Life and Times of a Third-Class Pro

Tigerstar; Because every _so-totally-not-Mary-Sue_ protagonistneeds a _so-totally-not-evil _antagonist

* * *

**What is This Evil You Speak of?**

What would a story be without a good villain? Dead, that's what. Every story needs at least one real antagonist to keep things moving and make the protagonists look like they actually have a purpose besides making everyone else envy them – which they don't.

When the Erin Hunters sat down to create Warriors, they knew they needed a villain that was clever enough to fool an entire clan, and strong enough to pose a threat. And thus, Tigerclaw was born, the most infamous villain in the wide world of Warriors.

Tigerclaw was introduced in the very first Warriors book, when Firepaw was first introduced in to the clan, and is a clear demonstration of Erin Hunter's overwhelming gift of _subtly_ in her plot intentions. From the very first scene you would never guess that Tigerclaw was evil. No, I know for sure that _I _certainly wasn't questioning his motives and loyalties in the clan in that first scene he was mentioned after Firepaw's arrival.

I mean, I never would have been able to guess he was evil. Just look at the comforting, _concerned_ words he shared with Spottedleaf when his apprentice collapsed to the ground bleeding to death after running to tell the clan about Redtail's death. Mind you, these are the _first_ _lines_ he says in the series.

Into the Wild, page 45

"_So Spottedleaf." Tigerclaw addressed the tortoiseshell with a confident meow. "How is he? Do you think you can save him? I've spent a lot of time training him up, and I don't want my efforts to be wasted at the first battle."_

Isn't that sweet? Look how much he cares about his poor, injured apprentice? Surely such a caring cat could never be evil…

OBVIOUS PLOT IS OBVIOUS!

That's right folks, we never would have been able to even come close to realizing what terrible danger Thunderclan was in, if it weren't for the oh-so _insightful _abilities of Firepaw, and his gift of being able to see past plot devises.

* * *

**Achievement Earned: Evil Scheming **

Tigerstar will forever live in infamy thanks to his many evil deeds. But what exactly did he do to earn this place of dishonor?

Well let's take a look, shall we?

In the first book, Tigerclaw is probably at his most inconspicuous (which, trust me, isn't saying much). He mostly keeps to winning the respect of his clan, constantly tormenting a young apprentice just because _his_ daddy never hugged him, and covering up the murder of the former deputy so that _he _could become deputy.

That's right folks, all Tigerstar wanted out of life was to be clan deputy, then later a leader. Then later a supreme ruler. Sure, he had to step on a few toes, take a few lives, and make a few difficult choices to achieve his goal, but who doesn't?

It all started with the murder of Redtail, the clan deputy. It was an elaborate scheme, involving the bribery of a few Riverclan warriors, a giant pile of rocks, and a roll of duct tape. It was a flawless plan, a _genius _one even. All would have gone perfectly according to plan, and Tigerclaw would have pried deputyship from Redtail's cold, dead claws without a single suspicion, had it not been for one tiny, little detail…

RAVENPAW! WHY MUST YOU HAVE SUCH HORRIBLE TIMING?

So, Redtail is murdered, but the horrendously _evil _event was witnessed by *gasp* _Tigerclaw's own apprentice_! And we all know how much Tigerclaw absolutely _loved _dear little Ravenpaw, now don't we? Truly, there is no greater apprentice/mentor relationship bond than this… unless you're a CinderXFire fan, in which case you might argue that Fireheart and Cinderpaw were closer.

For those of you who were thinking something along the lines of "heck yeah!" to that last sentence, may the pain and fire of a thousand evils descend upon your soul.

Anyway, disregarding that last note, so now Tigerclaw had the great internal dilemma of how to keep his beloved apprentice quiet, and on top of that he now had an annoying kittypet _so-totally-not-Mary-Sue _in _his _camp/future empire that seemed to be able to see through his ruse.

He didn't even get named deputy! After all that effort! Disgraceful, what a waist!

Sullenly, for the rest of the first book, Tigerclaw was forced into scheming in the shadows, going through the personal strife of having to deal with Ravenpaw. Of course he would have just gone up to the little runt and asked him nicely to keep his trap shut, but Fire_freaking_paw was always hanging around. Drat! Oh well, he would just have to kill Ravenpaw then. Oh well, there would be other apprentices once he had his world domination.

As luck would have it, in all his scheming and plotting, karma seemed to show him kindness, and he was made deputy after all after the random but oddly convenient death of the new deputy, Lionheart.

RIP Lionheart; your sacrifice was for the greater good...

By the end of the book, Tigerclaw had reached his goal of deputy, and Ravenpaw had conveniently disappeared.

Now if only he could get rid of Fireheart as conveniently.

* * *

**Frozen Fire and Secrets of DOOMUNDOUS Proportions**

After the very convenient and _secret _happenings in Into the Wild, Tigerclaw would have been perfectly happy to sit back and let events fall into place where they were. Of course there would be the occasional plotting, the murder of Bluestar that he still had to arrange, and then there was the whole business of taking over the rival clans, but hey, come what may.

But, as if the case in the lives of all super villains, Tigerclaw soon realized after the much heroic return on WindClan from exile via Fire_freaking_heart, that ThunderClan's newest warrior (besides Grastripe, he doesn't count) didn't like him.

Tigerclaw was quite shocked, and a little outraged to find that there was one warrior in the entire series that didn't worship him with the acceptable amount of respect and fear…but mostly fear. Lots of fear. Fireheart not only disrespected him with his lack of hero worship, but he also _insulted _him with his downright expressions of loathing.

Tigerclaw was confused, and hurt. Never before had he ever encountered a creature like Fireheart. Never before had he encounter this, this anomaly: a cat that didn't love him. And at the moment of truth, the moment when Tigerclaw witnessed metaphorical fire in the kittypet's eyes as he glared at him after the severe injury of Cinderpaw (the little klutz) and he saw the heroic/_so-not-Mary-Sueishness _aura that could only be a gift from the authresses themselves, he knew that he was facing something so horrendous, so terribly sickening that it made him want to retch.

He was dealing with a plotline.

It was after that moment that Tigerclaw realized that he no longer had a choice. He would have to speed up his total annihilation plans, and stop this madness before it even had a chance to begin.

Poor, foolish Tigerclaw didn't have any idea what greater levels of horror that he was dealing with. For, Fireheart had already assumed his greater role in this cruel, sick plotline, and he had Tigerclaw in his sights. Having gathered information from Tigerclaw's former apprentice, Ravenpaw, he knew about his greater scheming, and decided that there could only be one supreme ruler of the forest.

Tigerclaw too knew that there could only be one ruler, and decided then, for the greater good that he would have to become leader _now_ because if things were allowed to escalate, if Fire saved the clan, then there would be much horrors unleashed upon the forest. Unspeakable horrors. Death awaited the clans under a Fireheart centric story, and a vicious, slow and painfully sickening one.

Fireheart would kill the clans with kindness.

So, for the greater good, Tigerstar set his plans into action, and enlisted with an army of revenge hungry rouges and the mental ex-ShadowClan leader, who was being held in the ThunderClan camp, conveniently enough.

The plan was coming together, but every step of the way Fireheart grew spiteful, blaming him for more and more crimes that he _did not_ commit. Honestly, why would Tigerclaw want to drown Fireheart? If this psychopathic kittypet was going to die, Tigerclaw was going the one to kill him with his own claws.

Finally, after many moons, two Warriors books, a few new marketing schemes, witnessing Fireheart get _almost _killed several times (because he's too important to _actually _get killed) witnessing the anticlimactic death of Graystripe's FORBIDDEN LOVE, busting a few heads, and a few babiez later, Tigerstar was ready to put his _genius _plan into action, and launched his attack on the ThunderClan camp.

And he might have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling plotlines.

Right as he was about to land Bluestar's fatal blow, ending the madness once and for all, Fireheart, having fought against impossible odds and gotten past all of the enemies attacking the camp, stopped him, sending Tigerclaw into exile, and bringing the first waves of the plotline crashing down on all of them.

* * *

**A Clan of Blood, a Pip-Squeak's Claws**

After exile, Tigerclaw knew he only had one more shot at winning this losing battle against the plotline; he was going to find more people to worship him.

So, deciding to completely screw his original plan, Tigerclaw decided to skip past being clan leader of ThunderClan and move on ahead to taking over other clans. That works, right?

Seeing that things couldn't get much worse, he decided to go to his _bestest friends ever, _ShadowClan. With any luck, he could kill _their _honored leader and take the clan as his own, rising from the ashes of his own defeat and finding leverage that he could use to end the coming reign of madness before it could begin.

Surprisingly enough, it didn't take much to be accepted by ShadowClan. Heck, he didn't even have to prove himself, all he had to do was waltz in and offer to fill their currently empty leader position. Presto, they _loved _him. If he had known it would have been that easy to take over a clan that was right across the thunderpath, he wouldn't have even _bothered _with ThunderClan.

After gaining control of a chaotic ShadowClan, Tiger_star _received nine lives and made an alliance with Leopardstar, using his charm and appeal to make her understand the _genius _behind his motives and goal (lol mind control.)

Things were going surprisingly well for once. Fireheart (the new clan freaking SUPER deputy) was totally confused, and Tigerstar had more allies, _and_ the upper paw.

But something was wrong. In an odd plot twist, Tigerstar received a vision of what was to come. Fireheart's _not-Mary-Sueishness _was growing to tremendous, DOOMUNDOUS levels, and clearly it was going to take more than two clans to defeat him. No, Tigerstar was going to need something big to bring down this greater evil. And so, realizing his impending loss, he brought in something so surprising, so unforeseen and shocking, that the Erins would later copy the idea and use it for marketing purposes.

He decided to bring in a _fifth _living clan.

ALL HAIL BLOODCLAN! ALL HAIL BLOODCLAN! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…*Ahem*

Anyway, so Tigerclaw and his new 'ally' the leader of BloodClan, Napole– erm, I mean _Scourge _bring an unbeatable, tremendously _huge _ and totally _evil _army of BloodClan cats to the forest to stop the madness. It was a _genius _plan. A _perfect _plan. A plan that would have been impossible to defeat. But Tigerstar had forgotten one things, a simple fact that so many warriors before had overlooked, and paid the price for. The one and _only _truerule of the Warriors world.

Thou shalt not trifle with the will of the author overlords.

And thus, Tigerstar was struck down in a single blow by his own ally's paws, an anticlimactic death that would forever be the center of shame and many lolz in the Warriors fandom.

And thus ended the great life of Tigerstar.

EPIC FAIL!

* * *

**Aw, Cheer up Little Emo!**

Now that we have reflected upon the Tigerstar that is revealed in the greater series, let us back up to a time before the reign of the greater plotline, and back to a time before, a time of Tigerstar's own growing up.

Tigerkit's birth will forever be known as a quite disturbing tragedy and plot fail. In Bluestar's Prophecy, we learn that not only was his own father the great Pinestar, ThunderClan leader before Sunstar, but his father was also the only leader to abandon his clan shamefully for the life of a kittypet.

Is it no wonder this guy hates Firepaw when that kittypet shows up?

But wait, there's more. His mother, Leopardfoot, is a very young warrior, born moons _after her mate was made leader_.

Okay, does anyone else see anything, oh, I don't' know, _PERVERTED _about that? Sheesh! We finally found something more disturbing that FernXDust! IT'S A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!

Anyway, Pinestar left to be a kittypet when Tigerkit was only a young kit, leaving him and his two sisters behind with his emotionally shattered creeper of a mother. His sisters died of shame shortly after.

After his lonely, tragic kithood, Tigerpaw strived to do his best under the _wonderful _guidance of his hotheaded mentor, Thistleclaw, who was aptly pricklier than a porcupine , angsting constantly after the death of his mate, and more than slightly sadistic.

…*facepalm* Thanks Sunstar, we can all see how excellent you are at placing apprentices.

So the little emo turns into a little emo sadist. Wow, didn't see _that _coming.

And from there it was all downhill, a matter of angst and ambition all mixed into one ball of fun.

* * *

**Let There be Kits**

Amongst all of the misunderstood spite and ambition that is Tigerstar's life, there was one unnoticed aspect that no one has ever seemed to fully begin to understand about him.

You guessed it, _true love! _

Tigerstar only had two real relationships (no this does NOT include the nonexistent pairings I have seen of LeopardXTiger or BlueXTiger, which I'm not even going to go into.)

TigerXGolden

This is probably one of the more complex relationships mentioned in the Warriors series, and frankly I feel that it is often over looked because of some of the confusion it causes. I mean, why brood over an actually interesting and potentially deep pairing when you can just explode all over the LionXHeather fandom?

It will never truly be known why Tigerclaw and Goldenflower were mates for a span of two books. Personally I believe it's just another sick twist of the earlier workings of the plotline so that the _evil _villain could have babiez for the clan to shun.

TigerXSasha

Okay, I'm going to be quite frank with this pairing: it sucks. I hate this pairing almost as much as I hate DaisyXCloud or, even worse, JayXWillow *shudder*. It makes little sense, even from the little that I _have_ bothered to read from the 'manga' (AKA marketing devise) about Sasha and Tigerstar.

This pairing is _definitely _a plot device. There is no other explanation. I don't care _how _many books are used to explain it. It is a not-even clever plot device used to bring more of Tigerstar's babiez into the story and compensate for the plot-gap at the end of the second arc!

CANON FAIL!

* * *

**Loathing**

Why did Tigerstar hate Firestar? It's a question that has been asked all too many times over the course of Warriors fandom. I am now going to kill this incredibly stupid question with an overly long list of answers and then burry it for the rest of eternity, and I beg of you all, never speak of it again.

He's annoying

He's _perfect_

He can defeat a highly skilled warrior before he's an apprentice

He's a _genius_

He had a prophecy

He's a kittypet

He's nosy

He's a do-gooder

He wants to help EVERYBODY

He loves EVERYBODY

He has no foresight

He can't figure out the obvious (YES YOU DUNCE! _YOU'RE THE FREAKING FIRE THAT'S GUNNA SAVE THE FREAKING CLAN!)_

He is immortal

He sees dead people sometimes

He loves dead medicine cats

And yes, this all amounts to one, simple answer:

He's _so-totally-not-a-Mary-Sue_

Seriously, I think that majority of you would want to kill him on spot if you ever met a person like this in real life. If not, you need help.

* * *

**The End of a Legacy?**

So, where in the plot is Tigerstar now? Is he walking peacefully walking among the stars, freed from the DOOMUNDUS plotline that ensued fully after his death?

Hahahahaha! Yeah right.

As always, the Erins are a vicious and unforgiving force. Tigerstar must pay for his interference, and so he lingers in the plotline still, striking fearing into the hearts of protagonists, walking in their dreams.

What did Tigerstar get for his ambitions? What of his attempts to save Warriors? Is he unjustly accused, or is his punishment what he deserves.

Only you can answer that. (I lied, let him burn for failing to stop the madness of the plotline!)

All that we can know for sure is that we'll see Tigerstar yet again (in the _fourth freaking arc_) in the new plotline that will, once again, determine the fate of the Warriors world.

Let's just hope, if he does get a second chance to stop this DOOMUNDOUS plotline, he won't screw up again.


	9. Brambleclaw

**Well, I've now officially exceeded one hundred reviews! You guys are freaking awesome.**

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Chapter 9: Of Plot Zombies and Anti-logic

Brambleclaw; because the voices told me to

* * *

**The Life and Times of an Antagonist's Son**

Amongst the battle and would-be emotional strife that happens in the first arc, about halfway through the series, we learn that, not only has naughty little Tigerclaw murdered many innocent cats, attempted to kill his clan leader so that he can take over the clans, worked in cahoots with the evil former Shadowclan leader that was in charge of running WindClan out of their own territory and the murder of innocent kits, scaring the crap out of his apprentice, _and _not loving Fireheart (le gasp! The treachery!) but he also did something so shocking, so completely uncalled for, so disgusting that of course it could only be a result of the sick twisted mind of the Erin Hunters(notice, how I did _not _make mind plural there) in an effort to try another plot twist to bring in more money.

Tigerclaw had babiez.

And thus enters Bramblekit, the more than slightly emo (for crying out loud, how many characters in this story are they going to make emo!) son of Tigerclaw who, coincidently _looks exactly like him_, forever earning him the spite cast upon his father.

Yeah, because that makes perfect sense. StarClan knows because _all _evil cats are dark brown tabbies! You can't trust them, especially not this innocent kit that doesn't even freaking know his exiled father and just so happens to have inherited amber eyes and a dark brown pelt from his father! Of course that inspires hate, especially since up until his exile, the entire clan had _loved _Tigerclaw, and now that he's gone they need someone to hate so they decide to despise the tiny innocent kit.

Darn you Bramblekit! How _dare _you exist!

Honestly, why don't they scorn their mother, Goldenflower? She's the one that _mated _with the tyrant. Or better yet, why not scorn Bluestar; _she _made him deputy. No, it's not even Bluestar's fault, it's _their faults _for idolizing him when they _should _have been swooning over how awesome Fireheart is. The world is a sick, disturbing place.

But, ThunderClan needed a scapegoat, and since Bramblekit looked like his father he might as well have been the clan's miniature Tigerclaw voodoo doll. In all reality though, Fireheart never hated Bramblekit for looking like his father; that would have been shallow and imperfect. No, the real reason Fireheart despised Bramblekit, wasn't because he had dark tabby fur; it was because he didn't have dark _ginger _fur. ThunderClan needs more ginger furred cats! Honestly, the world would be a better place if more cats were more like Fireheart!

So Bramblekit grew up in a scary, scornful world with only his sister Tawnykit for comfort and a mother who wouldn't tell them what the heck was going on.

Gotta love family.

* * *

**Plotlines: Recommended for Ages Twelve and Up. **

By the time Bramblekit was made an apprentice, he had already gone through most of the major emotional stress that a full grown warrior could ever hope for. And it wasn't just because the clan hated him simply because they were prejudice. It wasn't that ThunderClan's true racist ways had become apparent to him, while some warriors still weren't fully aware. It wasn't because all of the hate speech and scathing looks he got injured his pride.

No, it was because of _all _of these things put together.

Thanks his father's heroic stands to stop the oncoming plotline, the Erin Hunters, in an act of punishment, decided to submit his look-alike son the a form of torture so diabolical that only the Erins could be responsible.

They gave him a plot role.

Bramblekit joined the small group of very young characters to be shoved into the plot line. Among this group you would also find Cloudkit, Bluekit, Dovekit, Ivykit, Jaykit, Hollykit, and Lionkit.

Yeah, and we all know how well _they _all turned out. One's an atheist, one went prematurely psycho, one's a little she-demon, one's a robot, and the other three are prophecy induced. It's just sick I tell you. It's bad enough to give an apprentice a plot role; heck, it's bad enough to give a _warrior _a plot role. But this, this _monstrous _idea, shoving little kids into the mix before their character has had enough time to actually develop, that's just _sick_. And those hypocrites actually dared to call _Brokenstar _evil!

The sad truth is, since Bramblekit (and yes, most of the other poor young saps that fell victim to the plotline) never saw it coming. His young character was too young and naïve to see what was coming.

By the time Bramblekit was made and apprentice, the plotline was already spinning into action. Fate (which is actually a synonym for Erin Hunter) made it so, not only did the entire clan shun Bramblepaw, but he also got Fireheart for a leader.

Oh yeah, they went there.

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**Anti-Logic**

Having already screwed up with Cloudtail and Cinderpelt, Fireheart decided to take on _another _young mind to mold with his evil, _perfect _little conniving paws. Why not, he deserved it, being the great _so-totally-not-Mary-Sue _that he was.

So, Bramblepaw, already having been subject to enough emotional strife, was forced into servitude – erm, I mean, _apprenticeship_, under Fireheart.

Oh, come on! Hasn't this kid suffered enough?

So, Fireheart taught young Bramblepaw all of the important skills he would need to learn in order to serve ThunderClan: how to hunt, how to fight, how to not be _evil _like his father, how to use the force, how to be a _so-totally-not-Mary-Sue_, and, more importantly, how to fulfill a plotline!

(The following is a peek into a training session between Bramblepaw and Fireheart – since they never really mentioned any in the book – read at own risk.)

_Fireheart looked down at his naive little apprentice. "Now Bramblepaw, you must always remember, the most important rule of ThunderClan: honor the warrior code. There is nothing more important…"_

"_But, Fireheart." Bramblepaw asked, tilting his head to the side in confusion."Don't _you _break the warrior code?"_

_Fireheart gave him a baffled look. "Of course not, silly little truffle! I'm clan deputy; I would _never_ do such a ridiculous thing!"_

"_But what about the time you fed RiverClan with ThunderClan prey? Or went behind Bluestar's back to talk to Tallstar against her orders? And when you didn't tell anyone about how Cinderpelt was secretly using ThunderClan herbs to help ShadowClan? And what about how you keep meeting with your kittypet sister, and brought her son Cloudtail to the clan just out of your own selfishness? And what about how you hid Graystripe's relationship with Silverstream?"_

_Fireheart purred in amusement, seeing how his ignorant apprentice could easily be fooled. "Silly Bramblepaw. That's _different_."_

"_Different?"_

"_You see Bramblepaw, those were just instances when I was helping EVERYBODY! You know, for the good of the Greater Plotline."_

"_Greater Plotline?" Bramblepaw tilted his head to the side, confused. _

"_Yes, the forces at work that bind us all together and bend us mercilessly to their will."_

"_Oh, well, if the plotline makes you do things that go against its own rules, why follow it?"_

_Fireheart sighed patiently. "Because, Bramblepaw, it builds drama and makes loads of money! Why else would any author overlord write anything?" _

"_But what's in it for us?" Bramblepaw asked, still not following._

_Fireheart looked at him as if he were an idiot. "There _isn't _anything in it for us. We become mindless zombies that feed off of the plotline."_

"_Then why would you follow it?"_

_Fireheart sank his claws into the dirt, frustrated. Oh, this kid was _way _too much like his father. "Because it's beneficial to the overall story in some way. It all goes back to that plotline thing…"_

"_So we're becoming mindless zombies just for the sick entertainment of the Greater Plotline? And we're supposed to _enjoy _it? That makes no sense!"_

"_Of course it doesn't." Fireheart said patiently. "Just like how a heartbroken WindClan warrior would suddenly fall in love with a ThunderClan medicine cat as she's dangling off the high side of a gorge, or how a cat can die at some point in the plotline but magically reappear, perfectly alive later on in the story. It's this little thing called anti-logic!"_

"_Anti-logic? But that's stupid!"_

_Fireheart let his claws slide out threateningly. "Alright, quiet you! You want to join your father in his punishment for going against the plotline?"_

"_Heck no!"_

"_Then shut your trap and accept the anti-logic!"_

Sad, isn't it? For his entire apprenticeship, Bramblepaw had to undergo this level of brainwashing in order to become yet another _perfect _plot device.

Personally, I think it was a great slap in the face to Tigerstar and his fight for justice.

* * *

**Prophecy FAIL**

Other than enduring his training in order to become part of the greater plotline, Bramblepaw's role in the Warriors series doesn't really come into play until the second arc, where he faces a major rite of passage for every plot device in the wide world of Warriors.

Brambleclaw gets a prophecy!

NO! THE HORROR! THE HORROR!

Since apparently absolutely nothing gets done in the clans unless _some _super natural force demands a _deeply_ complicated prophecy to be involved, Brambleclaw, Feathertail, Crowpaw, and Tawnypelt (chosen for her deep sense of foresight after fleeing ThunderClan to join her father's fight to stop the plotline) were chosen to go on a pointless journey to save the clans. And heck, why not send Squirrelpaw and Stormfur too?

Seriously. Okay, I guess I _sort of _can understand the prophecy of the first arc. Fire alone will save the clan. Okay Bluestar, some random kittypet that conveniently looks like fire is going to take your job and do it a hundred times better because the plotline demands it. Why not? A lot of stories have that kind of cliché crap in them.

And then came prophecy two, because, frankly? The Erins just _wouldn't let it go_.

So Brambleclaw and the other three _chosen _cats were sent on a mission to find a random badger who was supposed to tell them there was great danger coming to the clans and they had to move.

…

…

… _  
_FAIL PLOTLINE! **FAIL**!

Okay, _what_? Did Starclan _not _know what was going to happen to the forest? Wasn't it the reason they _sent _a prophecy in the first place because they _knew _what was going to happen? Why the heck did they choose four cats to go on a journey that would take _two_ books _and _cost the life of one of them to go on a long, _painstaking _journey while the clans suffered when they could have just told the leaders in dream 'Hey guys? Trouble's coming. You're all going to _die _if you don't move.' What were they afraid of, the clans not believing them? I think they would have gotten the hint after the first moon or two of chaos and destruction. Besides, aren't the clans more likely to believe their _leaders _than a few stray warriors, _two of which _(Brambleclaw and Crowpaw) are kind of loose cannons?

Allow me to offer this possible, _alternative _scenario as a replacement for the first two and a half books in the New Prophecy:

_Firestar stood next to the other clan leaders gathered under the full moon, looking down at the gathered clans. _

"_I have received a sign from StarClan!" he yowled loud enough for all to hear. "There is danger coming to the forest in moons to come. We must all seek a new home."_

_Outraged yowls of protest came from the gathered cats. _

_Ignoring them, Blackstar came forward. "I have also received this message. We must leave."_

_Leopardstar looked startled. "I too have had this message. At first I was unsure, but now…"_

_All eyes turned to Tallstar, who stood, staring at the moon with glazed eyes, unresponsive. _

"_Uh, Tallstar?" Leopardstar poked the Windclan leader with a hesitant paw. "Tallstar!"_

_The old tom blinked at her, as if shaken out of a trance. "What?"_

"_Did you get a sign from StarClan telling you to leave?" Firestar asked. _

_Tallstar tilted his ancient head to the side, a senile look in his eyes. "_You _hear the voices too?"_

_Silence._

"_Erm, okay then." Blackstar said, turning away from the ancient leader uncomfortably. "I guess we should all leave then."_

"_Of course." Leopardstar said dutifully. "StarClan demands it!"_

"_We leave at sunhigh tomorrow!" Firestar said, very leader-like. _

"_I like cumquats!" Tallstar cried out happily. _

And there you have it. A short conversation that would have saved paper and effort and made the all too twisted plotline a little simpler. Not rocket science here people.

But, the author over lords thought not, and Brambleclaw was thrown into his own prophecy.

* * *

**OMG TALKING BADGERZ**

After a very disturbing dream of drowning, Brambleclaw discovers that it is his duty to embark on an epic mission of failful purposes to keep the clans safe. So, he and five others journey to a strange place where the sun drowns at dusk (lol what?) to figure out whatever the heck it is that 'midnight' has to tell them.

So, they travel for a long time across fields and towns and other treacherous places and face challenges that would have killed less important characters. They see some strange sights and meet a senile, half crazed cat who likes to hear himself talk.

Oh author over lords why? Was the prophecy itself not bad enough on its own?

Apparently not.

So anyway, they all make it to the 'sun-drown place' and discover that 'midnight' isn't really _midnight_. Midnight is a _badger_. A _talking _badger.

A freaking talking badger that explains to them in a matter of _two minutes _all they need to know to save the clans and all that StarClan could have told them just as easily.

So why could Midnight, a strange, _talking _badger, explain their quest to them but StarClan, their _wise _ancestors, could not.

Well folks, it all goes back to that little thing called anti-logic that we talked about earlier…

So, the 'heroes' go back to the clans, taking a terribly _long _short-cut through the mountains just for the purpose of creating another book in the series, Feathertail dies very anticlimactically, another emo is born in Crowpaw, and Brambleclaw, the dubbed leader of the group, gets them all home nice and safe.

Great job Brambleclaw! You make your author overlords very proud.

And once they get home? Yeah, they leave. Like, _the next day _almost. No complicated explanations needed, just a bunch of unneeded deaths in their absence.

So Brambleclaw (and the others) proves his use as a plot device and leads the clans _back _over the mountains and through the woods to a _magical _lake.

And yeah, the plotline kind of dies after that.

* * *

**The Bramble and the Squirrel**

On his pointless journey, Brambleclaw faces many challenges. Among those challenges? You guessed it:

Lo0o0o0o0o0o0ove!

Because what is the use of a plot device without a love story?

That's right folks. In all his journeying, Brambleclaw falls in love with _Firestar's_ daughter, Squirreflight. Not only because she's the obnoxious tag-along who followed him on his _special _journey in order to learn the ways of a plot device, but because of her _charming _personality, _despite _ her prejudice against him being Tigerstar's son.

More proof that ThunderClan still remains racist.

In the chaotic absence of a plotline of the later second arc, Brambleclaw found himself drawn to her in what could only be the workings of a plotline. And heck, since Leafpool and Crowfeather already had the FORBIDDEN LOVE thing down to science, why not?

So, basically the rest of the New Prophecy is nothing but an angst fest between the two, _loving _each other and then _hating _each other and then Squirrelflight ditching Brambleclaw for Ashfur (_another _older warrior) and then ditching _Ashfur _for Brambleclaw again.

Yeah. Nice. So Brambleclaw chose the prejudice, hot-headed, _daughter-of-a-so-totally-not-MARY-FREAKING-SUE _that_ uses _people to get what she wants.

He must be so happy.

But happiness in the relationship later turned to betrayal when it was revealed that Squirrelflight had been lying about Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and Hollyleaf being their kits, leaving Brambleclaw confused, heartbroken, and very much reduced to nothing once more but a simple plot device.

While this pairing remains a reasonably popular one on the archive, it has died a considerably agonizing death after the author overlords decided to do away with it.

Why did it fail?

Well, there are several reasonable arguments that could be used to explain that point, but personally, I believe it was because it lacked a single element…

FORBIDDEN LOVE!

* * *

**Doom to Thee**

Besides becoming an emotional train-wreck, hearing voices in his head that belonged to his dead father, murdering his half-brother, and being the center point of a prophecy, Brambleclaw accomplishes a great feat in this arc.

Having proved his use as a plot device, Firestar decides to dub him CLAN DEPUTY!

So, even though he had yet to have an apprentice, and even though we all know Brackenfur or someone else would have been a much more logical choice, Brambleclaw achieved a great place of power in the clan, rewarded for obeying the author overlords and shunning the guidance of his father.

Good job Brambleclaw. Great job.

And we all know the real role of the clan deputy… TO STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF ALL CLAN MEMBERS AND KEEP THEM IN LINE!

Because, while the Clan Leader may call the shots, it's the deputy who keeps everything together, organizing the clan members like the worthless pawns they are and ensuring that the greater plotline will always have first priority.

Think of it in another way maybe: clan leader says what's to be done. Deputy makes sure it _gets _done. And if it _isn't_ done… _StarClan have mercy on your soul._

_

* * *

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**The Legacy of a Plot Zombie**

So what can we take away from this? Is Brambleclaw a good warrior? Yes. A skilled deputy. Sure. A good little plot zombie? Heck yeah.

But is it really his fault to have fallen victim to such an existence? Being introduced to the plotline at such a young age _did _have some influence…

But, aside from his roles in the greater plotline, I think quite a few people over look Brambleclaw for the great warrior he was.

And, even if you don't respect Brambleclaw for all he's done, just remember…

He's clan deputy. He owns your soul.

Live with it.

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**Up next: Hawkfrost **


	10. Hawkfrost

**Alright, it's obvious that I've been sort of neglecting my fanfics lately, and I really hate to make people wait so long for updates, so I'm going to be honest: I don't know how frequent updates are going to be. I've been working a lot lately on an original story that I actually have ambitions to get published one day. That's great and all, but unfortunately, my inspiration for more serious literature absolutely **_**drains **_**my sarcasm and ranting inspiration. Good for me, but not for this fic. I have ****NO**** intentions of abandoning this thing, but I felt that I should give you all fair warning that updates are going to be erratic.**

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Chapter 10: A Hawk's Frost

Hawkfrost; Because every plot zombie needs an evil twin brother!

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**The **_**Other **_**Son**

Amongst the battle and would-be emotional strife that happens in the first arc, about halfway through the series, we learn that, not only has naughty little Tigerclaw murdered many innocent cats, attempted to kill his clan leader…

Oh, wait, I've already been through all that… Oops; one sec, wrong character…

Warriors a New Prophecy was a mile stone in the Warriors world. A sign that the Erin Hunters weren't done yet and thus created a new quest. For survival! For the sake of the greater plotline! And more importantly, for more money!

During this new dawning, we were introduced to a plethora of new characters, like Squirrelflight (annoying as heck,) Leafpool (_also _annoying as heck,) and Crowfeather (schizophrenic queer.)

We also rediscover some old characters and learned to hate them all on a new level , like Brambleclaw (see previous chapter,) Tawnypelt (underappreciated magical character that appeared randomly for one plot device and then disappears until she has kits with a bisexual,) Stormfur (emo,) and Feathertail (dead.)

But out of all the characters we were introduced to, out of all of the characters that we encountered in this series, one rises above the rest:

Hawkfrost!

I don't know about you guys, but I know the first thing that went through _my _mind when Hawkfrost was first introduced to the Warriors series:

_OMG, so totally NOT EEEEEVIL!_

And of course, the _second _thing running through my head:

_OMG, so totally NOT related to Tigerstar!_

Of course, much to everyone's utter shock, it was later revealed that Hawkfrost was the _other _son of Tigerstar. He and his atheist sister Mothwing (and some other dead guy who we learn about in a later quest to earn money) are the children of Tigerstar and a former kittypet, Sasha. Why did Tigerstar have kits with Sasha? Well, I haven't read the 'manga' (NOT A MANGA!) yet that's supposed to explain it, so you guys will have to figure it out for yourselves…

PLOT DEVICE! MORE BOOKS = MORE MONEY!

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**Foreshadowing of EEEEEVIL! **

In the beginning of the New Prophecy, Hawkfrost is introduced as a _loyal _warrior of Riverclan. A loyal _strong _warrior of Riverclan, and ultimately is over shadowed by his sister's role as the first atheist medicine cat (lolz irony.) It isn't until Moonrise that is revealed that he's one of Tigerstar's _spawn_. And by then, it's too late. He's already been introduced to the plotline, and therefore there's no stopping him now.

In Midnight, Hawkfrost isn't really given much attention. Sure, he's mentioned, and it's made pretty clear that he looks pretty dang scary (by Leafpaw, like, five times) but that's about all we get. It isn't until Moonrise, when Leafpaw happens to hear him talking about his plans for world conquest with his sister that the average reader realizes, "Hey, I think this might actually be going somewhere…"

A little later in the book, Hawkfrost is made clan deputy when Mistyfoot 'mysteriously goes missing'.

Okay, I don't know about you, but something about that just sat wrong with me. I mean, Hawkfrost was only _just_ introduced in Midnight as a _newly named warrior_. Then a book later he's named freaking _deputy_? I mean _come on_! Even Fireheart went through half an arc before he got that opportunity! And since when did Hawkfrost have an apprentice? It's never even _mentioned_ or _implied _that he had one even for the briefest of times. Whatever happened to _that _rule?

Answer: It was one of the first of a long chain of traditions and rules that were _so important _to the first arc that had to be removed for the Greater Plotline.

Honestly? After hearing all of his ULTIMATE TAKEOVER ideas, one starts to wonder at the exact reasons behind Mistyfoot's disappearance…

Aside from his _oh so subtle _hints at ambition, no one in the clans really seem to think he's a problem. Well, no one except Leafpaw, but who cares about her? After all, Hawkfrost is just a loyal, abnormally strong warrior with a dark tabby pelt and icy blue eyes.

* * *

**The Face of EEEEEEVIL!**

Note the fact that I mentioned his description in the previous section.

Throughout the series, there are about a million characters (no, that is _not _a huge exaggeration) and, let's face it: if it isn't a main character or important in some way to the overall plotline, you're going to have to look up most characters' descriptions in the allegiances if you want to know what they really look like.

This, of course should be an indication that Hawkfrost's up to _something _in the plotline because his description gets mentioned about FIVE MILLION FREAKING TIMES THROUGHOUT THE SERIES! Seriously! You can hardly get through a scene with him in it that without it mentioning his _"Ice-blue eyes"_ or the fact that he has a dark tabby pelt and broad, strong shoulders.

Don't believe me? Here are a _few_ excerpts:

_(The following excerpts from the Warriors series are the property of Erin Hunter…Blah, blah,blah,blah disclaimer)_

_Midnight__: page 53_

_He walked on, and Hawkfrost raised his head to look after him. Brambleclaw couldn't quite suppress a shiver when he glimpsed the tom's __**eyes, an eerie ice blue**__ that seemed to stare through the ThunderClan leader as if he were made of smoke. _

_Midnight__: page 214_

_Hawkfrost dipped his head courteously to Leafpaw and Sorreltail. He was a __**powerful tabby **__with a glossy __**dark pelt**__, and for a heartbeat Leafpaw thought he reminded her of someone she had seen before – but no other cat in the forest had such __**icy, piercing blue eyes**__._

_Midnight__: page 258_

_Hawkfrost hesitated, scuffling the ground in front of him with one paw in apparent shyness, though Leafpaw noticed that his __**ice-blue eyes**__ flickered from side to side as if making sure that every cat was watching him. _

_Moonrise:__ page 58_

_Looking at the warrior's __**massive shoulders**__ and __**strong muscles**__, Leafpaw was relieved that he had not caught them trespassing. _

_Moonrise:__ page 80_

_Then as her head broke the surface she saw the __**huge tabby **__shape of Hawkfrost approaching the bank and realized that Mothwing had done the only thing she could to hide her quickly. _

_Moonrise: __page 204_

_He looked up and glared at her with his __**eerie ice-blue eyes. **_

_Moonrise:__ page 252_

_Leafpaw drew herself up and met Hawkfrost's __**icy blue eyes**__, summoning all her courage._

_Moonrise:__ page 253_

_Hawkfrost's __**blue eyes **__were chips of __**ice**__._

_Moonrise__: page 254_

_Hawkfrost fixed his __**cold blue stare **__on his sister. _

_Moonrise:__ page 256_

_Two pairs of eyes, __**icy blue**__ and amber, turned their gaze on her. _

And that's just in the first two freaking books! Those last four were in the same _chapter_!

We get it! Hawkfrost is the reincarnation of_ scary_, he's _strong_, and he has _icy blue eyes_! There _is _such a thing as _too _much reiteration people!

Though, if it counts for anything, Hawkfrost _is _one of only cats that aren't main characters whose description is completely consistent throughout the entire series.

* * *

**Plotting of EEEEEVIL!**

In the chaotic plot gap of doom left after the warriors finally reach their new home by the magical sparkly lake (Gah! I'm never going to get over the scarring from chapter six, am I?) Hawkfrost's plots finally become apparent.

Well, _more _apparent than before, in any case.

That's right. Still sore about being kicked out of his random and short lived deputyship in RiverClan, Hawkfrost uses the chaos and distraction caused by said plot gap to his advantage and goes in cahoots with Mudclaw, the equally evil former deputy from WindClan, so that they both can take over WindClan and later RiverClan.

You know, _together_! Because that kind of _not evil _partnership _always _works out!

But, shrouded in the heat of battle, Hawkfrost _betrays_ Mudclaw after he tries to kill Brambleclaw.

_*Sigh* _Do I even have to comment on the predictability of _that_?

So, the battle is lost. Hawkfrost walks away unscathed, seeing the error of his ways and restoring the bond between himself and his half-brother (that, admittedly, hardly existed in the first place, but whatever…)Hawkfrost gives up on his scheming, a better, more loyal warrior…

Or _DOES HE?_

Yeah, no, he doesn't.

It is discovered that Hawkfrost, along with his new best buddy Brambleclaw, meet every night in the Dark Forest (a new plot device which is the equivalent of some sort of feline Hell) with their deceased father, TIGERSTAR!

You know, a bonding experience!

So together, the three relatives learn _new and improved _fighting moves and receive mentoring in the ways of how to take over the clans.

Yay bonding!

* * *

**Brotherly Bonding of EEEEEEVIL**

Even though they had pretty much no idea about their relations until Dawn (well, at least in Brambleclaw's case, anyway) Hawkfrost and Brambleclaw hit it off as highly competitive, long lost brothers.

After Hawkfrost, through some spontaneous moment of morality, saves Brambleclaw in Starlight, things only escalate from there with their 'bonding' sessions, which mostly consist of their father supervising them during their epic duels to the death.

BONDING!

However, as time passes, something quickly becomes apparent to Hawkfrost. Something shocking. Something _horrible_.

Brambleclaw isn't EEEEEVIL!

Shocked and awed by this revelation, Hawkfrost starts to worry about their plans for the future. After all, if Brambleclaw suddenly decides that he doesn't want to take over two of the clans and achieve epic pwnage, what does that leave _him _with? After all, when Hawkfrost takes over _his _two clans, who will handle the other two and make sure that they don't rebel?

What other cat could he trust besides his newly discovered half-brother to help him fulfill this dream? Mistyfoot was already highly suspicious of him, along with most of RiverClan, he had already inadvertently killed Mudclaw, and it would be too tiresome to take over the remaining clans himself.

No, this plan must work. Brambleclaw must back his mission fully.

In order to insure this, Hawkfrost decides to pose a test of loyalty, shortly after Brambleclaw is named clan deputy (the _second _cat to be named deputy without having had an apprentice).

So, sneaking onto ThunderClan territory, Hawkfrost cleverly lays a trap of cleverness, along with the help of a _mysterious ThunderClan warrior_ (Ashfur spoilerz) which causes Firestar to get caught with a fox trap around his neck.

Brambleclaw arrives and Hawkfrost generously offers his brother the choice to let Firestar die so that he can become leader and accelerate their plans, or to betray his kin and DIE!

Brambleclaw, proving himself to be the ultimate plot zombie, frees Firestar, and Hawkfrost dies very anticlimactically when he trips and falls on the surprisingly sharp wooden stake from the fox trap.

Oh Hawkfrost, you klutz!

* * *

**Brotherhood of NEEEEEEUUUUUTRALITY!**

I think it is safe to admit that Hawkfrost and Brambleclaw's brotherly relationship was something special. Strangely odd and pretty spontaneous at times, but definitely _special._

Because Hawkfrost was the face of EEEEEVIL, and Brambleclaw was the face of plotline induced JUSTICE! And together, they formed the ULTIMATE NEUTRAL. It's that Cain and Abel sort of relationship that people just can't resist!

And speaking of the Cain and Abel theme, has anyone else noticed that it just seemed to keep popping up _everywhere _in Warriors? Almost _every_ protagonist has and evil half sibling!

Firestar and Scourge

Brambleclaw and Hawkfrost

Jayfeather/Lionblaze and Breezepelt

Dovepaw and Ivypaw (not a _half_-sibling, but whatever, same concept)

And it somehow wouldn't surprise me - with all the secrets suddenly being revealed and all – if Sandstorm had a 'dark secret' and Leafpool and Squirrelflight suddenly had an evil half brother or sister. Just throwing that out there.

They're freaking EVERYWHERE!

* * *

**Dreaming of EEEEEVIL**

One might think that, like most of the villains that have died, Hawkfrost would be forgotten and left in peace to fade into the background.

WRONG!

In Dark River, Hawkfrost makes a STUNNING (not stunning) reappearance as he and Tigerstar meet with young Lionpaw every night for some family _bonding_.

And, hey? Why not teach him a thing or two about EEEEEVIL fighting methods while he's there…

Even more startling, after failing with Lionpaw, Hawkfrost actually ends up being considered important enough to have a role in the Next Great Plot for Conquest in Omen of the Stars, bringing his awesome to an entirely new level.

Now Hawkfrost has taken it upon himself to recruit and train young Ivypaw, molding her with his diabolical paws (…oh wow, that sounds _wrong_ out of context…) into the next greatest EEEEEEEVIL!

* * *

**Legacy of EEEEEEEEVIL!**

What is there to say about Hawkfrost? He's evil, he's a diabolical schemer who pretty much hates his own sister and kicks puppies (erm, does that term work for Warriors? Oh, you get what I mean) and works to poison the youth of the clans.

But can he really be blamed? After all, all he wanted to do was spread his love and happiness to all the other clans by ruthlessly taking them over in a quest to destroy the Greater Plotline? And, considering the levels of insanity that the Greater Plotline has risen to: is that _really _such a bad thing?

Is Hawkfrost _really_ evil, or just another misunderstood victim of the plotline and of circumstance? I'm sure that if we, just for a moment dig down deep enough to the inner workings of Hawkfrost, we might understand his motives in a more redeeming…Oh StarClan…oh, _oh dear STARCLAN!...OH THE HORRORS!...AHHH!_

*Ahem*

On second thought, we _don't _want a deeper look into the mind of Hawkfrost.

Seriously, just…. _trust me_ on this one.

Okay, so maybe Hawkfrost really is _EEEEEEEEVIL!_ And admittedly? He's a pretty darn good villain.

But, the point here is, there's just so much more to Hawkfrost than that.

He's half brother to the greatest plot zombie of all time, a dark tabby, and above all else, more _important _than _anything _else...

Hehas the most_ freaking icy blue eyes _in _EXISTANCE!_

_

* * *

_

**IMPORTANT NOTE: Okay, so, to be honest, I'm starting to have trouble with the character rants. It's easy for the main characters, but to be honest the others take a lot more digging in order to find material, and frankly I feel like things are starting to get a bit repetitive. So, I've been thinking about where this fic is going, and I'm going to ask you, the readers for your opinions on this:**

**I've been thinking of changing things up a bit. Lately I've had a lot fewer ideas for character bashing and a lot **_**more **_**ideas for general series bashing. So, instead of bashing a different character every chapter and a separate aspect every sixth, I might switch things around and focus on a different separate overall aspect of the series (be is a clan, a pairing, or just something people find bothersome) and then do one of the actual characters every sixth chapter. There are a lot of points I would like to make, but I find it a lot harder to fit them in doing only characters. **

**I can go either way at this point, and I'm continuing the fic no matter what, so I'd like to know what the majority wants. **

**Also, I'm currently in need of a beta, if anyone's interested. **


	11. Ashfur

**For excuses on lazy updating, see my profile page (if you really care.) Also, other somewhat important notes on this story are being posted in my profile now in order to keep annoyingly long ANs to a minimum. **

**Alright, so the votes are in, and I've decided that ****next**** chapter I'm going to switch over to series bashing and save character bashing for every sixth chapter. Why am I waiting till next chapter? Because now that I've committed to this 'every sixth chapter is different thing' it would honestly kill a very OCD side of me if I changed things up in the middle of the cycle. **

**On a second note, since obviously the Warriors series is still well under way (four*twitch*freaking*twitch*arcs) and obviously we learn more about characters throughout the series, periodically I will go back and add a small subheading or paragraph to a chapter, which will be marked with ** and a spoiler warning. **

**Also, over the summer I finally stumbled upon TV tropes, so, as a result, expect some of my vocabulary to be altered accordingly.**

**

* * *

**

Chapter 11: From Nobody to Sadistic Psychopath; a Spiritual Journey

Ashfur; Because he puts the 'fun' in dysfunctional!

* * *

**Ensemble Darkhorse: A Story of Irony and Lolz**

To say that Ashfur is a more than slightly unstable, controversial character that became important out of freaking nowhere is a bit of an understatement. Especially considering the fact that he's been in the Warriors series since the middle of the first arc and still managed almost completely untouched by the Greater Plotline until the second half of the second arc, after which he was promptly forgotten until "The Unspoken Event of Which Will Not Be Spoken of" at the end of Long Shadows.

Before The New Search for Money (*ahem* the New _Prophecy_, sorry) Ashfur was mostly just one of those side characters that no one really noticed or cared about. After his would-be-almost-sort-of-affair with Squirrelflight, he was a bit better known. Heck, for a grand total of two books, he even got his own legitimate pairing that died before its time.

And after "The Unspoken Event of Which Will Not Be Spoken of" Ashfur was suddenly the focal point of what could only be a hurricane caused by the emotional overload suddenly directed at him by the fandom.

Suddenly, Ashfur was no longer a side note, a pairing reject of a ship long sunk. No, suddenly, the fandom was in an uproar. All over the internet, fanfics were springing up about him. Pairings were being resurrected, inferred, or just plain made up in order to please the attention of the growing fangirl rave.

With the release of one book, Ashfur was brought into the spotlight, died, and was born again (and no, not in the StarClan/Dark Forest sense, though everyone's still wondering about that…)

For, alas, in that moment, the planets aligned and the fandom rejoiced, half mad and yet feeling saner than they had ever been as Ashfur, the formerly unnoticed second rate character made a transformation so shocking and stunning that it has forever made every author in the history of ever scratch their head in confusion at some point or another in their career.

It was the transformation from ordinary side character to the unforeseen favorite of a wide variety. From the over shadowed loner to the pedestal of high regards, no matter his actions or actual personality. He was an ensemble darkhorse in his own rights.

And the Author Overlords scowled.

* * *

**Hero to Zero**

But, we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's back up for just a second here.

Ashfur's childhood was much like any other underappreciated ThunderClan kit's. Being of common blood (not related or resembling Firestar) he quickly fell into the shadow of others more important to the plotline. But, like his sister Ferncloud, he secretly longed for the spotlight.

Oh, how he tried to earn attention of his own, like any young kit longing to be noticed. He worked as an obedient, loyal apprentice to the pedophile that would later claim the role of his sister's mate. He didn't fight openly with the other apprentices - no, instead he planned painstaking revenge upon them, which would later result in dogs getting released into ThunderClan's territory, Bluestar going mad and refusing to name the others apprentices before _he _could achieve warrior status, Swiftpaw and Brightpaw's suicide mission which would leave one dead and the other forever scarred, and a mass war with BloodClan!

My, my Brindleface, you seem to have raised quite the conniving little sneak. Between him and Ferncloud, you must be so very proud.

By the time the New Prophecy had rolled around, Ashfur had been the center of about half of the unseen or simply unacknowledged disasters of the Warriors world. Such incidents include Heavystep's random acquiring of nine lives, the death and later regeneration of Smokepaw, and gender change of Rowanclaw.

Now I understand that many of you skeptics out there are probably rolling your eyes. How, by StarClan, would he have done all that, and why?

It's actual quite simple…Because, according to a majority of the fandom, he's that awesome/gay/EEEEEEVIL! As for why? Well, as I'm sure you can guess, as the plotline progresses with the subtlety of a drunken rhino in a glass shop, side characters can get pretty bored with nothing to do besides make a passing comment or two. So, you temporarily hack into the Author Overlords' computer, alter a few allegiances here, bribe StarClan a bit, and presto, subtle entertainment!

By the time The New Prophecy started running out of ideas, The Author Overlords finally got tired of watching him screw with their creation and moved him to the front line to teach him a lesson and occupy his time.

And then the plotline ensued, and, for the next few books, he was unimportant on a completely different level.

* * *

**Love Triangles – Warning: May Cause Bodily Harm If Used Incorrectly**

In his first plot involvement, Ashfur finds himself cruelly forced to submit to being forced into a pairing with none other than Firestar's lookalike daughter, Squirrelflight. This is especially cruel since Squirrelflight, along with having one of the most nonsensical names besides Leafpool, is probably one of the most inadvertently shallow and oblivious characters in the entire Warriors series. Taking into account exactly how many character there actually are in Warriors…well, that's saying quite a lot.

This entire ordeal starts when Squirrelflight decides to shun Brambleclaw for being related to Tigerstar. After all, how on earth could a hero's daughter and villain's son _ever _love each other? So, in an effort to redirect her confused, plot induced feelings, she sets her sights on Ashfur, who, apparently is deeply in love with her.

Now, despite setting off yet another long episode of ship to ship combat between BrambleXSquirrel fans and newly dubbed AshXSquirrel fans, this pairing always just kind of sat wrong with me. For one thing, there is no prior knowledge that Ashfur even acknowledges Squirrelpaw/flight's existence in the earlier books. It just seemed like one of those pairing that cropped up out of nowhere for convenience's sake, which, unfortunately is, if anything, only confirmed as the series progresses.

Also, has anyone else noted the fact that the age difference between Ashfur and Squirrelflight isn't that far off of that of Dustpelt and Ferncloud? Hmmm, seems like Ferncloud and Ashfur have a lot more in common as siblings than first anticipated.

Personally, this entire ordeal just bothered me. Especially how, when Squirrelflight goes crawling back to Brambleclaw like we all _knew _she would, Ashfur is completely heartbroken and very nearly throws a rage fit. They weren't even officially together in the first place! Squirrelflight honest to goodness _didn't even know he liked her like that_! It was a pointless pairing spawned out of nowhere with no other purpose than to cause tension between Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight and stretch out the little material that the Author Overlords had to use in order to finish the arc!

Honestly! It's hard to believe that so many cats not only fall in love over night, but with such a wide age gap between the two! The only reasonable explanation is that there _were _no other cats in his age range that weren't taken! Brightheart was with Cloudtail, Tawnypelt was in a different clan (not that that would stop some…) he's just not the incest type, and Brambleclaw…

… actually wasn't technically taken…until Squirrelflight abandoned Ashfur to get together with him…

…

HOLYSTARCLAN ABOVE! ASHFUR IS FREAKING GAY!

No! Wait, before you press that "back" button at the top of the screen, it makes perfect sense!

They're closer in age, and Ashfur is never openly upset about Squirrelflight not being with him…until she officially gets together with Brambleclaw. And, come on! This scene during the "The Unspoken Event of Which Will Not Be Spoken of" totally says it all:

_Long Shadows__, page272-273_

"_Know you think I've never forgiving Brambleclaw for stealing you from me, but you're wrong, and so is every cat who thinks so. My quarrel is with _you _Squirrelflight." Ashfur's voice shook with rage. "It always has been." _

Okay, seriously, unintended or not, how else would you take that. "Squirrelflight, I love you so much that I hate you for not loving me so I'm going to kill you"? No, I think not. I mean, come on, sure, he was never the most stable one to begin with, what with volunteering to go on a suicide mission in A Dangerous Path and all. But still! He's not mad at _Brambleclaw_. He's mad at _Squirrelflight_!

For crying out loud, is it _wrong_ to assume he's so far in the closet that he's fighting to free Narnia?

* * *

**Luke, I **_**Am **_**You're Mother's Sister's Mate's Stalker**

After being rudely kicked out of his love triangle with Brambleclaw and Squirrelflight (how you organize that triangle is up to you), Ashfur finds himself once again pushed into the shadows, his usefulness ended. Seasons pass, babiez are had, and suddenly, he finds himselfin another position on great power, unforeseen (or, rather, seen but hand waved in order for future uses) by the Author Overlords.

In The Sight, Ashfur is made a mentor for the first time, and to none other than Lionpaw, the supposed son of none other than Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw.

Confounded by this sudden turn of events Ashfur is presented with an opportunity. An idea wormed its way into his head, and suddenly, revenge became a very real possibility. Could it be? In a lapse of ideas and any real antagonist for their new arc, the Erin Hunters offered him a choice. An opportunity of a lifetime.

From the beginning, Ashfur clearly distances himself from Lionpaw, contrary to the tradition of mentors and apprentices. Ashfur saw Lionpaw as one thing and one thing only. Not an apprentice, but a tool, a weapon that could be used to strike a blow to his opponent for Brambleclaw's affections. Not, just any weapon, the living equivalent of a fully loaded missile launcher, emphasized by the point that Lionpaw himself was physically equally as dangerous.

So, for the first four books in the arc, Ashfur sits back, training his apprentice, and secretly waiting to strike.

Though, frankly I find it slightly ironic that, in order to hurt Squirrelflight, he is willing to kill her kits, which would _just as equally _hurt Brambleclaw, whom _he has no quarrel with _and may possibly be secretly in love with.

But then, logic has often gotten hand waved in the past.

Resorting back to his sneaky ways, Ashfur attempts to kill Lionpaw in subtle attempts that are barely noted in the plotline: collapsing a badger set to bury him alive, making a deal with Rock to drown him in the tunnels, heck, at one point he even flat out _tries to murder him during a training session_! Lionpaw didn't even freaking realize it! The kid's freaking indestructible!

Despite The many attempts on his life made by his mentor, Lionpaw doesn't realize Ashfur wants him dead until he's back up against the edge of the high side of the gorge, surrounded by _fire_ with Ashfur monologuing all over the place!

* * *

"**The Unspoken Event of Which Will Not Be Spoken of" is Spoken of**

It is in Long Shadows, high upon the edge of a gorge ablaze with fire that Ashfur finally gets his long awaited one chapter of fame.

Having trapped Squirrelflight's kits in a situation that will surely be the end of them, Ashfur reveals to Squirrelflight the true depth of his hatred for her for stealing away his beloved Brambleclaw. It is in this moment that Squirrelflight reveals that Lionblaze, Hollyleaf, and Jayfeather _aren't _her kits, thus he can't hurt her by killing them.

…In retrospect, it's kind of a stupid argument. "Oh? Those three? Oh, yeah, I raised, them, cared for them, took on as my own and loved and cherished them. What? No, of course I don't care if you kill them, it's not like I actually gave _birth _to them!"

Come on! Even the three kits knew she was lying about not caring about them (or, at least, they didn't bring it up), and these are the three it took an entire book to find out that _Leafpool _was their legitimate mother when the string of clues left for them had been so obvious to begin with!

But Ashfur? "Psssh, oh, okay, just kidding. Oh, hm, well, I guess I'll just have to expose your big secret instead."

For this single moment of what is viewed by many as awesome, Ashfur was suddenly a very popular character among the fandom. And how! He was trying to kill the three freaking protagonists/anti-heroes! Generally, that isn't supposed to be very well received!

…Then again, Jayfeather had already survived falling off the gorge once, so he probably wouldn't die, Lionblaze had already proved his immortality, which left only Hollyleaf to possibly not walk away…

OMG ASHFUR IS A FREAKING GOD! ALL HAIL ASHFUR, ALL HAIL ASHFUR!

* * *

**Head Scratching and the Contemplations of an Overlord**

Unlike the fandom, the Erin Hunter's were not pleased by Ashfur's sudden rise in popularity. One of their main punching bags had suddenly risen into a position purely reserved for those directly related to Firestar. It was infuriating! It was impossible! It could not be allowed to continue!

But revenge on the sudden rise of the underdog would not be so easy to achieve. Alas, Ashfur had already been killed off in an effort to add to plot tension.

Scrambling to pick up the pieces of their shattering illusions, the Author Overlords quickly threw in a few wrenches in the next book in order to throw readers off. Instead of being murdered by Squirrelflight as had been all but confirmed in the last chapter of Long Shadows, Ashfur was revealed to have been murdered by Hollyleaf, a large blow to the fandom since much of his fan worship came from his attempts to murder _her_.

However, even _this _had an undesired affect. Suddenly, fans were not only rejoicing their martyr, they were pairing him with _Hollyleaf_! AshXHolly became one of the most popular and emo pairings on the archive for a time, pairing Ashfur with his own murderer…who was _even younger than Squirrelflight_! Seriously! This pairing is every bit as disturbing to me as PineXLeopard in Bluestar's Prophecy, and that one really takes the cake!

Now thoroughly baffled as to the minds of young readers, the Erin Hunters were at a loss. What was wrong with the youth of the world?

Unsure of what else they _could _do to deter this unreasonable amount of clearly misaimed hero worship, the Erins had no choice but to simply remove Ashfur from the picture all together. Therefore, unlike every other mildly important character who has died, they are soon after shown in StarClan in some manner, or the Dark Forest. Or…somewhere. But no, in order to prevent any further exploration of Ashfur's character from occurring, the Author Overlords refuse to give us such comfort. The fandom is left guessing, which, inadvertently spawned a whole new generation of fanfics, adding even _more _to Ashfur's popularity.

And then the authors sighed, throwing up their hands in exasperation.

Those darned kids of today! Something is _clearly _wrong with the lot of them!

* * *

**A Legacy Born**

So, what can be said about Ashfur?

Quite a lot of things, ranging from just another misunderstood emo to a doomundously evil genius plotter who almost killed Hollyleaf and is questionably homosexual.

His reign of awesome was only a short lived few chapters, but the repercussions will forever be felt throughout the Warriors world. Where ever he may by now, let it be known that he will not be forgotten…much to the great frustration of the Author Overlords.

But is his hero worship truly deserved. Is he really worth all of this hype and admiration?

Well, as a full supporter of the Hollyleaf Haters Association (HHA – we have T-shirts and cookies), for once I must agree with a majority and say that any character that came that close to actually killing the greater evil, and then causing her to break dun rulez and go insane is truly worthy of praise, and I must applaud him.

Congratulations, Ashfur. Where ever you are, may Hollyleaf be far, far away.

* * *

**Well, there you have it. That's the last character chapter until chapter 18. **

**Up next: ThunderClan**


	12. ThunderClan

**Yeah, not dead. Sorry for the wait **** please don't kill me. Also, I'd like to take a moment to thank my new beta: StarClan's Nightmare! **

**Also please note: I have not read ****Night Whispers**** yet, so please don't tell me anything in a review that might be spoilers.

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Chapter 12: AwesomeClan

ThunderClan; Because they are Warriors and you can too!

* * *

**Because We're Awesome**

You know that saying "All roads lead to Rome"? Well, in the world of Warriors, there's a similar saying that can be used to help in times of confusion when a new development in the plotline (or lack thereof) is getting you down.

Just remember people: All plot developments point to ThunderClan!

Don't believe me? Well, I'm not going to argue with you…instead I'm dedicating this entire chapter to downright proving you wrong!

Throughout the Warriors series, even though there are four clans that are supposedly supposed to be equally important, it quickly becomes apparent that ThunderClan exceeds all others in importance.

Sure, in the first arc it was easy to hand wave the fact that _everything _important happens in ThunderClan because that's where the main character was and that's where the prophecy came from. Also, while ThunderClan certainly was on the receiving end of the majority of the major events that happened, the other clans got their fair share of doom and gloom, and there were truly some awesome characters that originated from them.

However, as the series continued (and continued…and continued… and continues…) we started to see less and less of the other clans, and anything that happened in the other clans that was worth noting was usually directly corresponding with something that happened or would happen to ThunderClan, making the other clans more convenient plot devices than anything at times.

So, why is ThunderClan so great that it gets all the credit? Would it have made much difference if Rusty the kittypet started out in RiverClan, WindClan, or ShadowClan? Would one of _those _clans have been the more important if our _so-totally-not-a-sue _Firestar, had started out somewhere else? Only the author overlords know, I guess.

(By the way, if anyone wants to write an awesome story based off of that plot bunny, or is willing to point me to a well written, completely awesome story has been done where Firepaw _didn't _start out in ThunderClan, I will make it my third greatest life ambition to find you and give you a giant hug and a high-five!)

Anyway, the point is, ThunderClan is always the center of attention, even when it may not appear that way on the outside. If another clan is so much as talked about for more than three consecutive lines of dialog, then odds are something is going to happen that involves them with ThunderClan. Why? Is ThunderClan just a giant magnet for attention? Is it made of so much awesome that anything within a ten mile radius is automatically sucked into the greater plotline that revolves around it like the leeching vortex of hate and horror that it is?

Yes.

* * *

**They Are the Champions**

You know, I have a feeling that this next question is taboo somehow. But darn it, I'm asking anyway, because it needs to be answered!

When was the last time that there was a main character that wasn't at east related to ThunderClan in some way? Seriously! When? Name _one_ that cannot be connected with ThunderClan in _anyway_?

And no, Crowfeather doesn't count because he fell in love with a cat who was half ThunderClan and then one that was entirely ThunderClan!

And no, none of the SkyClan cats count either because none of them would be warriors if not for Firestar! Heck, even after SkyClan's Destiney came out they don't count, because, even though I only read some of that book, I already know that Firestar is mentioned about every third page!

None of the antagonists count, though I bet you most of them have connections too.

As for the cats that were on The Great Beaver Hunt of Lolz that was the plotline of The Fourth Apprentice, I would just like to say, Sedgwhisker was one of the kits that Lionpaw, Jaypaw, and Hollypaw saved in Dark River, Tigerheart is Tawnypelt's son, who is actually full blooded ThunderClan, and the others have such small parts that they don't even count as important – they just pretty much disappear once the quest is over.

Seriously! Please, _someone _give me an example! I'm beating my head against my desk here, and the concussion is making it hard to finish this chapter! Give me a main character that has _no _connections to ThunderClan –which includes bestest friends, FORBIDDEN LOVE, relation, or _anything_!

…

…

That's okay, I'll wait! I'll wait darn it! Please prove me wrong! Because, frankly, to have a _four freaking arc _story with _all _the main characters with basically the same focal point is just annoying! Give us some variety here – I promise, author overlords, we can handle it!

You may be wondering why I'm getting so worked up over this. Well, as an amateur writer, I value characterization on a high level, and enjoy seeing a variety of different kinds of characters in a story. With as many characters as Warriors has, you would think that we would get to see some dynamics.

WRONG!

Now here are the basics of the main characters we've been seeing throughout the Warriors series:

Arc One:

_A kind, caring tom who wants to help everyone. Is smart, and quickly rises through the ranks of the clan, gaining acceptance and love. Has to deal with prejudice. Often gets in trouble while helping people. Is the only one to see an evil plot in the works. Saves the clans. Fulfiller of a prophecy. _

_A laid back, good natured tom who falls in love with an enemy clan cat. Faces prejudice later for his FORBIDDEN LOVE. Side-kick to other main character. Rises to high rank in the clan. _

Arc Two:

_A bold and strong tom who deals with prejudice. Goes on a long journey to save the clans. Rises to high rank in the clan even though he isn't qualified. Apprentice of former main character. Fulfiller of a prophecy. _

_A spunky, outspoken she-cat who wants to be a good warrior embarks on a dangerous journey and has little purpose except to be annoying. Daughter of former main character. _

_A soft-spoken, calm she-cat who loves to help people. Falls in FORBIDDEN LOVE with an enemy clan cat. Other daughter of former main character._

_A soft-spoken, gentle she-cat and her clingy brother who embark on the journey to save the clans. Illegitimate children of former sidekick. Fulfiller of a prophecy(one of them – but she fulfills two prophecies, so whatever). _

_An irritable tom who hates everyone accept his two true loves. Is slightly emo, and has relationship issues. FORBIDDEN LOVE twice over – both with cats that are directly related to ThunderClan. Fulfiller of a prophecy. _

_An outspoken, spunky she-cat who embarks on a dangerous journey. Strives to prove her loyalty to her clan. Deals with prejudice. Fulfiller of a prophecy. _

Arc Three

_A bold, brave tom who wants to be a good warrior. Has an almost FORBIDDEN LOVE affair with an enemy clan cat. Has super powers. Son of two former main characters, grandson of another main character. Has family issues Fulfiller of a prophecy. _

_An irritable tom who hates everyone accept his stick. More than slightly emo. Has family issues. Has super powers. Son of two former main characters, grandson of another main character. Fulfiller of a prophecy. _

_An annoying she-cat obsessed with rules. Wants to help everyone. Thinks she has super powers. Daughter of two former main characters, grandson of another main character._

Arc Four

_A sweet, smart she-cat who wants to help everyone. Has family issues. Has super powers. Fulfiller of a prophecy. _

I ask you, when you don't put the names of the main characters, how many similarities do you see? True, some of them _do _have notable differences, but these characters are usually not mentioned as much as the others, especially since most of them aren't actually _in _ThunderClan.

We get it Erin Hunter: ThunderClan produces heroes who, for the most part want to help everyone and have prophecies!

The more and more I think about the main characters, the more I feel like the author overlords are keeping to a trend of cats who either fall under the category of messiah or jerk with a heart of gold. They're either misunderstood, love everyone, have super powers, are in a FORBIDDEN LOVE affair, are incredibly irritable, or all of the above!

Please, Author overlords, mix things up just a little! If you're going to give us only ThunderClan cats, at least give us more cats like Ivypaw and Berrynose! As incredibly annoying as they can be, they're something _different_, and make dialog more interesting!

* * *

**In Accordance with the Prophecy**

As we all know, nothing gets done in the world of Warriors unless there's a prophecy about it. Nothing. And who is the clan that always gets the prophecies? Yep, you guessed it – ThunderClan!

Once again, this can probably be forgiven in the first arc because, let's face it, most books these days have a prophecy in there somewhere to give the plotline a nudge into action. The only argument I really have for the whole "Fire alone will save our clan" thing, is it was _way _too obvious. I mean, we all know that the odds of the main character in any given book being the focal point of the prophecy is 99.999 percent (the other .001 belonging to the rebellious stories that are mind blowing on a possibly annoying level).

But, seriously, even _Bluestar _lamp shaded that Fireheart was the prophecy cat, as if she had some sort of plot seeing glasses! She even went as far as to name him _for _the prophecy! How embarrassing would it be if the real hero had been Graystripe or Sandstorm or someone?

Well, that would be an awkward conversation in the end:

_Bluestar: What do you mean the prophecy wasn't about Firepaw? It's even in his _name_!_

_StarClan: Hey, don't look at us honey – _you're _the one who named him!_

_Bluestar: His fur looked like it was on fire! I took it as a sign! How was I supposed to know that _Sandstorm _was the prophecy cat? There were no signs!_

_StarClan: Well, you see, 'Fire' was meant to be a metaphorical meaning. Prophecies are supposed to be mystic and metaphorical. How were _we _supposed to know you'd take us literally?_

_Bluestar: How the _heck _is fire a metaphor for _Sandstorm_?_

_StarClan: Because…you know…she had a _fiery_ personality…Shut up! It sounded like a good idea at the time_

Anyway, the first arc aside, am I wrong to assume now that ThunderClan is the _only _clan that StarClan gives a darn about anymore? Am I? Honestly, ThunderClan gets a sign from them _every other chapter _these days, and you never hear anything about the other clans hearing anything. Oh sure, there's have been a few omens here and there, and a few medicine cat dreams, but ThunderClan is practically blessed in their eyes! Is it really a wonder that ShadowClan almost goes atheist? I would be kind of fed up too if I was one of the other clans!

What? Does nothing interesting really happen to the other clans? _All _of the major prophecies in the Warriors - with the acceptation of Brambleclaw's which…no, I'm not going into it; go check out his chapter if you really don't remember my feelings about that fail. Other than that, there's: 'Fire alone will save our clan', 'Before there is peace, blood will spill blood…', 'There will be three, kin of your kin…', 'After the sharp eyed jay and the roaring lion peace will come…', and Bluestar's 'Like fire you will blaze through the forest…' am I missing any others? And, yep, they all were given and apply to ThunderClan.

Sorry other guys, you're just not important enough!

* * *

**The Monarchy **

What would a clan be without a great and clear minded leader behind it?

No, that actually _isn't _a rhetorical question, because the Erin's gave us and answer: ThunderClan!

Now, I'm not going to get into my rant of Firestar again, so if you really are dying to know what evidence I base that statement off of, go back and read chapter one again. However, I would just like to say that, whether you like him or hate him, ThunderClan _did _show signs of change under Firestar's supreme rule.

I mean, come _on_! Bluestar spent a _lot_ of the first arc defending the honor of the clan and sometimes even threatening war if insults started flying hard enough! And she was freaking awesome at times! You know, despite going clinically insane.

Once Firestar came along…meh. Sure, he still made an effort to put the clan first, but I, and I have a feeling quite a few other people, started getting the feeling that he was trying to step up the clan's role from 'semi-awesome focus of plotline' to more of a Gandhi or 'let's help EVERYBODY!' sort of mediator.

I mean, let's face it, when the other clans are fighting, whose the most concerned? It's usually ThunderClan. Who usually ends up getting involved? Yeah, ThunderClan.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think the whole of that falls on the shoulders of ThunderClan's leader. No, because StarClan forbid that would actually mean he'd have to _do _something on a regular basis these days –

No, Firestar hardly has to raise a paw these days – his influence has already spread deep into the very roots of ThunderClan, like a weed, sucking the life out of its unwary prey!

Don't believe me? Here's a revised version of the allegiances for ThunderClan

**Leader**: Firestar

**Deputy**: Brambleclaw – Firestar's former apprentice

**Medicine cat**: Jayfeather – Firestar's grandson

**Most powerful warrior**: Lionblaze – Firestar's _other_ grandson

**Senior warriors**:

Graystripe- Firestar's best friend

Cloudtail – Firestar's nephew

Sandstorm – Firestar's mate

Dustpelt –who cares, he's a pedophile

Brackenfur- Firestar's former part-time apprentice

Brightheart- mate of Firestar's nephew

Some others that I probably forgot but who cares because they're hardly ever mentioned these days anyway and are just waiting to be killed off in plot devices

**Other warriors:**

Don't matter because they hold little value except plot devices and meat shields

**Apprentices**

Dovepaw- semi-distant relative of Firestar

Ivypaw- also semi-distant relative of Firestar

Come on! Every single influential role in ThunderClan is filled by someone directly related to Firestar! It took, what, two and a half arcs for that to happen! It was a takeover! Darn you Erin Hunter, darn you!

* * *

**FORBIDDEN LOVE FOREVER BUDDIES!**

Leadership and roles of importance aside, I've noticed another trend within ThunderClan. Can you guess dear readers? I think you can! I believe that you are smart enough to look at the subheading above and note with fear that this subsection is going in _that _direction.

Remember the saying from subsection one? All roads lead to Rome! All plot developments point to ThunderClan, which, unfortunately, my dear readers, includes most if not all cases of FORBIDDEN LOVE!

Now, to illustrate this (and because I'm possibly OCD and charts and lists make me feel warm and fuzzy inside) here's a list of cases of FORBIDDEN LOVE that involve ThunderClan in some way:

Bluestar X Oakheart

Graystripe X Silverstream

Crowpaw X Feathertail (debatably since she's half ThunderClan)

Crowfeather X Leafpool (*bangs head against brick wall*)

Tawnypelt X Rowanclaw (I don't care what the allegiances say after Starlight – this is WRONG! WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! And she was born in ThunderClan, so, yeah, it counts)

Yellowfang X Raggedstar (The relationship lead to the birth of Brokenstar, who forced Yellowfang to later move to ThunderClan, so, whatever)

Lionpaw X Heatherpaw

Firepaw X Spottedleaf (again, see chapter one)

Tigerheart X Dovepaw (Not confirmed – though I haven't read Night Whispers yet so I may be wrong- but we all know it's coming.)

And that's not to mention all of the fan made pairings out there! Oh ThunderClan, you truly have spread your influence far outside of your boundaries, for ThunderClan blood can be traced to almost all other clans!

So, what is it about ThunderClan that just attracts other cats? Don't get me wrong, ThunderClan has some good qualities, and radiates awesome due to the blessing of the author overlords. But it lacks the mysterious quality of ShadowClan, the divine grace of RiverClan, and WindClan's…WindClan's rabbit-like instinct that allows them the breed at rapid increments! (*cough* Crowfeather*cough*)

Well, I'll let you be the ultimate judge of that, dear readers. Honestly, the only logical answer I can come up with is that ThunderClan has become so flooded with Firestar's kin that warriors must look elsewhere for mates to prevent inbreeding.

* * *

**Legacies Leading to the Apocalypse**

So, is the popularity around ThunderClan all hype? Are the other clans just jealous? What is it that makes other clan cats fall in love with them? Does StarClan love them or just hate the other clans with a burning passion? Why am I asking you all these questions when clearly no mortal soul could know the answer?

Well, all in all, I must say that ThunderClan does have its plusses, as well as its downsides.

On one hand, ThunderClan _has _produced some pretty good characters in its time (and I'm trusting you to use good judgment on deciding which ones are worth mentioning.)

On the other hand, if anything, we've learned that after a while, all those traits start to blend together, and in another two generations we might be faced with a clan filled with mindless clones of each other, which will develop cannibalistic habits and then a taste for human flesh that will later lead to our ultimate down fall.

*Shudder* Oh well, at least now when an army of mindless, completely identical cats take over the world, we'll know who to blame, right Erin Hunter?

* * *

**Up next: Allegiances! **


End file.
